5. Kris Jenner, because she's being sued over "Proud Mama."
revered acknowledged matriarch of the Kardashians and all associated hashtags, has been in the news in the past week for her attempts to copyright the hashtag, phrase and concept of "Proud Mama." As she sees it, it's an indispensable part of her brand, and any other mother in the world expressing pride threatens that.
There's just one problem—she's not the only proud mama out there. In fact, there's a jewelry company called Proud Mama, and they're none too happy with her. Owned by Jenny Present, the company has held the copyright on that name since 2009, when Keeping Up with the Kardashians was just a trendy cable TV reality show and not yet an unstoppable global media juggernaut with its own private military force (Editor's note: that last part was made up).
Jenny Present's lawyer says there's no way his client will give the phrase up to Jenner. This could turn into a massive legal cagematch, with only one mama leaving the ring alive. Of course, Jenner could always just start advertising with a different phrase. Maybe "Unproud Mama." Considering her kids, the public would probably be more on board with that.
4. Colin Quinn, because Tina Fey outed him for calling her the C-word.
In a classic 2007 episode of 30 Rock, a character calls Tina Fey's character Liz Lemon the C-word, sending her into a paroxysm of rage. Now, Fey has revealed that the story behind the scene, and the rage that resulted, were totally real. And the name-caller was none other than well-known Saturday Night Live alum and fellow former Weekend Update anchor: Colin Quinn.
In an interview on today's Howard Stern Show, Fey told Stern that Quinn called her the C-word (you know which C-word) in a baffling voicemail during her time as head writer on SNL. Quinn had left the show at that point, but Fey was attempting to help him with a new show he was working on. As she explained it, his frustration over the script led him to lash out at her:
Despite the explosive incident, the two have since made up. Fey said they reconnected at the SNL 40th anniversary show, and all the C-talk was forgiven. And why would she be mad? 30 Rock ran for seven seasons, and the show Quinn was working on has been totally forgotten.
For Quinn's part, he did issue this statement on Twitter today:
This statement doesn't read as very apologetic, but at least there aren't any C-bombs in it. In fact, there aren't any words in that tweet beginning with "C" at all. He's really learned his lesson.
3. Three teachers who got sick after eating weed brownies left out in the teachers lounge.
It's not surprising to hear that someone somewhere was really stoned at school, although it's noteworthy when it's an elementary school or the people in question are teachers. In this story, both are true.
It all started when a plate of brownies showed up in the teachers' lounge at Spring Mills Elementary School in Highland Township, Michigan. Of course, the teachers didn't think twice about digging in—they needed the sweet release of chocolate to drown out the incessant howling of those little monsters. But the stress of dealing with small children paled in comparison to what they were in for next: a major freak-out on some powerful backed chronic.
As it turns out, the brownies were laced with marijuana, causing the three teachers who ate them to start feeling powerful effects within an hour. One teacher ate several brownies, and was so alarmed by the results that she went to the hospital. Of course, she was fine. If anything, parents should be relieved to hear that she's such a lightweight.
Police so far have been unable to ascertain how the brownies got into the teachers' lounge. Was it a cruel prank, or just an oversight by some faculty member who accidentally brought their "weekend brownies" to work? The parents of Highland Township may never know. Lol. Highland.
2. Chris Hemsworth, because his whale movie flopped onto the beach and died.
Chris Hemsworth may be known to the world as Thor, but there's no way he's feeling like a god today. If he were that powerful, he would never have allowed his new movie In the Heart of the Sea to die such a pitiful death.
The 19th century whaling epic, based on the true story that inspired Moby Dick, promised viewers high seas adventure and a shirtless Hemsworth on a boat, but that still wasn't enough. It brought in a mere $11 million in its opening weekend, compared to its budget of more than $100 million. Now that's a blue whale-sized flop. (Moby Dick was a sperm whale, but this is even bigger. You get the picture.)
Maybe if director Ron Howard had appeared shirtless in the movie, it could have been saved. Or maybe it would have helped not to come out between Hunger Games and Star Wars. Yeah, that's probably it.
1. Kids who tried to steal a package and got a box of poop.
Eric Burdo was tired of constant reports of packages being stolen off doorsteps in his Las Vegas neighborhood. He installed security cameras outside his home to protect himself, but he wanted to test if they were well-positioned. He also wanted to make those sticky-fingered thieves pay, so he came up with a devious plot to make them regret their actions. It involved poop.
He filled a box with a generous helping of dog waste and left it outside his own door as bait. He had to wait four days for the plan to bear fruit (hopefully, the box was airtight), but he got his sweet, pungent revenge in the end.
His cameras caught what look like two teenage boys grabbing the box and running away. One can only imagine their reaction when they opened it up and found a pile of droppings that had been baking in the Nevada sun for four days. Burdo, meanwhile, was delighted when he saw the footage. He told KTNV:
"I was kind of excited and I just kept replaying it. I just kind of wanted to give them back something."
Did that something finally teach those punks to stop stealing? Who knows? Kids are dumb.