5. Steve Harvey, because he made the biggest mistake in the Universe.
You probably already know about Steve Harvey's major boner at last night's Miss Universe pageant. If you don't, thanks for making this article the first thing you've looked at on the Internet today.
While hosting the pageant on Sunday night, Harvey was confused by a very straightforward ballot and accidentally announced Miss Colombia as the winner instead of Miss Philippines. You might want to stretch before watching the clip, or you could pull a muscle from cringing too hard:
There haven't been that many faces of crushing disappointment, deep insecurity, and pure bewilderment on TV since, well, the last beauty pageant. Harvey went into overdrive to apologize, but didn't do himself any favors with his first tweet:
Harvey deleted the tweet once he realized he has misspelled both of the countries he had just offended. He then released a string of emphatic and properly copy-edited apology tweets, but the damage was done. The public may never take him, or the Miss Universe pageant, seriously again. Not that they did before, but still.
4. Orange teenagers, because the FDA doesn't want them tanning anymore.
Everyone knew that girl in high school who spent three months leading up to prom in a tanning bed because she had bought a white dress. Sure, she looked like a photo negative of herself on prom night, but her dreams had come true. Now, for girls across the US, that dream will be dashed.
New regulations from the Food and Drug Administration will ban anyone under 18 from using indoor tanning devices, and require adults to sign a waiver every time they use one. Although this may seem extreme, the evidence indicates it's overdue. The World Health Organization classified tanning beds as a carcinogen in 2009, but Jezebel reports that 1.6 million minors still use them in the US every year. What's more, tanning bed accidents result in more than 3,000 emergency room visits every year. That's a lot of unnaturally caramel kids putting themselves at risk.
Hopefully, these regulations will save some young people from endangering their health and becoming prematurely leathery. On the other hand, there's a risk of tanning becoming cooler because they're outlawed—the forbidden fruit effect. Will teens hang out outside tanning salons, asking adult passersby to buy them a session? If they do, maybe they'll get a tan from the sun while they're waiting and realize that it was a waste of money to begin with.
3. Miley Cyrus, because she got naked and wore a fake penis but was still upstaged by Pam Anderson.
Miley Cyrus has shocked the world so many times, she's become a Millennial version of the boy who cried wolf—i.e., the girl who showed nips. At this point, she'd have to do something really extreme in order to surprise anyone. That's why, when she got naked onstage and pranced around holding a fake penis over her crotch, no one cared. They weren't even looking at her—they were focused on Baywatch's own Pamela Anderson standing right next to her.
Anderson joined Cyrus onstage during her concert at the Wiltern in L.A. on Saturday night, dancing and holding up a "Save the whales" sign. Anderson didn't even have to show much skin to delight the 23-year-old Cyrus's fans, most of whom were probably not born when the 48-year-old was posing in Playboy. But she was a novelty to them, something that Cyrus hasn't been in years.
2. People who want Tina Fey to apologize for her jokes, because it's not gonna happen.
Tina Fey's Netflix series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was met with widespread acclaim when it debuted this past spring, but it's had its fair share of detractors as well. Some comedy critics (people who criticize the idea of comedy) said that some of the show's jokes were offensive, particularly a running gag involving Jane Krakowski's character being Native American. But if those critics want Fey to grovel for their forgiveness, they're going to be disappointed yet again.
In a new interview, Fey told Net-A-Porter:
Steer clear of the internet and you’ll live forever. We did an 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt' episode and the internet was in a whirlwind, calling it ‘racist’, but my new goal is not to explain jokes. I feel like we put so much effort into writing and crafting everything, they need to speak for themselves. There’s a real culture of demanding apologies, and I’m opting out of that.
Opting out? She can do that? Did Lorne Michaels give her a "Get Out of Shame Free" card?
1. The Mast Brothers, because everyone found out their fancy chocolate is a big overpriced lie.
If you shop at organic food stores, you probably have a lot of disposable income and are comfortable shelling it out in exchange for the knowledge that your food comes from a reliable and ethical source. But what if you learned that the so-called "inspirational" story behind your pricey treats was a big lie? How much chocolate would you have to eat to bury the pain?
Mast Brothers, the Brooklyn-based chocolatier that somehow managed to charge $10 for a candy bar without being investigated by the U.N., is in deep cocoa over bogus claims they made to bolster their brand. The two bearded hipster brothers began making chocolate in a Brooklyn apartment in 2006, and have built their empire on the story that they were using organic "bean-to-bar" methods from the beginning. But a new article from DallasFood.org alleges that they initially made their bars by re-melting commercial chocolate, a major no-no among candy snobs.
Although no one is denying that the Masts currently make their chocolate using artisanal methods, this revelation has led to an "Emperor's New Clothes" effect. All of a sudden, sweet-toothed hipsters across the Internet aren't afraid to say that they think Mast Brothers chocolate is ridiculously overpriced for its quality.
It's a shocking revelation that even the supposedly innocent world of candy isn't safe from fraud. It seems that the Land of Chocolate was just a fantasy after all…