5. Donald Trump, because everyone is mad at him except Russia.
There's still more than a month to go before Donald Trump is sworn in as president (so savor every moment). But despite having no power yet, he's still managing to make enemies faster than any president since Nixon. In the past week, his camp has been rocked by CIA revelations that Russian hackers conspired to help him get elected.
That comes in addition to separate controversies over pretty much all of his cabinet appointees, and outrage from environmental groups over his continued denial of climate change. And now, China is furious with him for cozying up to Taiwan. In times like this, a leader like Trump has only one response: slamming journalists on Twitter.
Can you imagine if the election results were the opposite and WE tried to play the Russia/CIA card. It would be called conspiracy theory!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 12, 2016
Unless you catch "hackers" in the act, it is very hard to determine who was doing the hacking. Why wasn't this brought up before election?— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 12, 2016
It's nice to know that no matter how hard things get, our future president will always be ready to throw a tantrum.
4. Bill Cosby, because he's getting desperate to keep his ass out of court.
After successfully keeping his habit of drugging and assaulting women a secret for decades, you can't be surprised that Bill Cosby expects to get away with a lot. But those days are done, and now America's Disgraced Dad is being forced to do things he swore he would never do in order to stay out of jail—like copping a plea.
Although he has always maintained he's innocent (despite allegations from more than 50 women), Cosby is reportedly seeking a plea deal to keep his current case (the 2004 assault of a former Temple University student) out of court. A source close to the former Cosby Show star/current rapist told The New York Post, "He and his family, including his wife, Camille, are adamant that Bill won’t be able to convince a jury to let him off."
Yeah, that seems like a safe bet. He comes off as pretty damn guilty. But now he has to convince a judge to take his side. How ironic that a guy who was once the most beloved man in America can't find a friend to help him in his time of need. I guess that's just what happens when you rape more than 50 people.
3. The actress who played Cindy Brady, because she was fired for being a homophobe.
From 1969-1974, actress Susan Olsen played Cindy Brady, the adorable, pigtailed youngest daughter on The Brady Bunch. But now it turns out those pigtails may have been cutting off the circulation to her brain, because in the decades since, she's turned into a major gay-bashing hatemonger. And as Us Weekly reports, now it's cost her her radio job.
Last Wednesday, Olsen was cohosting LA Talk Radio's Two Chicks Talkin' Politics segment, and speaking with openly gay actor Leon Acord-Whiting. The segment became heated, with Olsen vocally praising Donald Trump, and Acord-Whiting disagreeing. But the real fireworks didn't start until after they were off the air. Later that day, Acord-Whiting called for Olsen to be fired in a scathing Facebook post, accusing her of spewing "idiotic lies," including that:
Being a liberal and a patriot are mutually exclusive? Hillary is causing the protests & hate crimes? The Koran is a political tract?
Olsen responded with her own Facebook post, calling Acord-Whiting a "little piece of human waste." And that was nothing compared to the private message she sent to him, which Acord-Whiting immediately shared, of course:
Hey there little p**sy, let me get my big boy pants on and Reallly take you on!!! What a snake in the grass you are you lying piece of s**t too cowardly to confront me in real life so you do it on Facebook. You are the biggest f****t ass in the world the biggest p**sy! My D**k is bigger than yours Which ain't sayin much! What a true piece of s**t you are! Lying f****t! I hope you meet your karma SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.
So sad. Cindy always seemed like the normal one. LA Talk Radio announced it was firing Olsen on Friday.
What would Florence Henderson think if she had lived to see this? At least she was spared the humiliation of seeing her fake daughter fallen so low.
2. Some idiot who pulled a BB gun on a former pro wrestler.
Alcohol, and the want of alcohol, can make people do some stupid stuff. But you know you should quit when you find yourself trying to threaten a WWE star with a fake gun.
TMZ reports than on Saturday night in Coral Springs, FL, a man at a convenience store happened to run into former WWE wrestler Shad Gaspard. He walked up to Gaspard and said, "Hey man, buy me a beer." When the wrestler responded, "There's a better way to ask than that," this fool pulled a "gun" on him. That's when Gaspard's ring-tested reflexes kicked in.
The 6'7", almost 300-pound athlete immediately grabbed the weapon and slammed the guy against a cooler door. It was only afterward that he realized it was a BB gun. Instead of crushing the man's head in frustration, he simply held him on the ground until the police showed up. (He probably only needed one hand.)
Despite only having a toy guy, the perp was arrested for robbery with a weapon. But at least in jail, he'll be away from any wrestlers who are likely to beat him into a thin pulp.
1. A package thief who unwittingly stole a box of dog poop.
Mike Zaremba of Riverside, CA was tired of having packages stolen from his doorstep by some sticky-fingered goon. After the third instance, he decided to get revenge using the only weapon he had on hand: lots and lots of dog poop.
He and his wife invited seven or eight dogs over for their Great Dane's birthday party, and saved every deuce they dopped over the course of the day. Then Zaremba carefully placed all the nuggets into a FedEx box, taped it up, and left it on the porch. He even set up a camera to film the thief taking the bait.
With the help of the video, Riverside police eventually tracked down the poop-nabber, one Daniel Aldama (although they probably just could have put out an APB for a man dry-heaving continuously). Officer Ronel Newton told KCBS-TV,
He dropped it as soon as he found out. He didn’t want nothing to do with it and kept on riding.
Unfortunately for him, that box of poo was now evidence. Evidence that he's a dumbass.