5. Taylor Swift, because Hailey Baldwin threw shade at the Squad.
Like all secret societies with unlimited power, Taylor Swift's squad has always been the subject of suspicion and prejudice. Celebrities who weren't chosen for squad status have often criticized it—from Katy Perry to Demi Lovato to Kendall Jenner. And now we can add another name to the Anti-Squad Squad: Hailey Baldwin.
In a new interview with Australia's Yahoo 7 Be, the 20-year-old model (and daughter of Stephen, the bad boy Baldwin brother) said that she doesn't get what the squad, or its hype, are about:
I don't know what having a squad means. I just have my friends and that's it. I don't think that you need to create a public squad. I don't know what that proves. So I don't really understand the Taylor Swift squad at all.
She actually raises some deep questions about the nature of friendship, fame, and squads. Does Swift really have a "public squad," or is she just so famous that her friends become associated with her automatically? They're certainly active on social media, but who in their generation isn't? And is Baldwin throwing shade, or is she just genuinely confused?
I'm definitely confused. I'd need my own squad to help me figure this out.
4. Justin Bieber, because he's single.
I know what you're saying—"But I'm single! How come that millionaire Bieber is having a worse Monday than me?" First of all, stop whining. And second, remember that he's a world-famous pop star. For him (and his large penis) to be single is a crime against nature. And what's worse, it turns out he's not even looking for his next girlfriend. If Bieber has truly given up on love, then we're all in big trouble.
And yet it seems that he has. In an interview with his BFF Ellen Degeneres on Monday, Bieber said:
I am not dating anybody. Single. I'm not really looking either.
That kind of terse language can only mean that the 22-year-old singer is totally jaded about romance. It's heartbreaking to think that only this past summer, he was pursuing a new relationship with model Sofia Richie, while simultaneously stirring up old drama with his on-again-off-again ex Selena Gomez.
Biebs even told Ellen that he has never used Tinder or any other dating apps. Which is less surprising, because he's Justin Bieber. If he suddenly showed up on Tinder, there would be chaos in the streets.
3. Fidel Castro, because his Jeep broke down on the way to his funeral.
For former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, things couldn't get any worse. First of all, he's dead. But even in death, the limitations he placed on the country he ruled for 50 years are still making him look bad.
On Sunday, the vintage Jeep carrying Castro's ashes broke down during a procession in Santiago de Cuba. Soldiers had to literally get out and push, which has to be embarrassing for the 90-year-old Castro, who died on November 25.
Because of the longstanding US embargo against Cuba, most of the country's vehicles are vintage, and tend to break down frequently. But you'd think that they could have found something a little more reliable for the president's funeral. Like a donkey, maybe?
2. The Grinch who burned Christmas to the ground.
A grisly scene out of one of Dr. Seuss's darkest nightmares played out last week along a highway in Huntsville, Alabama. A float bound for the local Christmas parade caught fire after a passing motorist carelessly flicked a cigarette butt at it. Soon, passersby were treated to the horrific sight of Whoville from How the Grinch Stole Christmas burning in a fiery inferno.
Whatever tiny-hearted monster is responsible for destroying this festive work of art was not brought to justice, but they will have to live with the guilt of their actions forever (or at least until they repent by carving up a Roast Beast).
The float was handmade by members of the Lost and Found Pets of Huntsville/Madison County Facebook group. They've started a gofundme campaign to recoup their losses and rebuild the float. If we all donate, maybe they'll collect enough money to make it flame retardant this time.
1. Two guys who tried to rob a convenience store with their rooster.
Ben Franklin once said, "Three may keep a secret, if two are dead." But what if one of them is a rooster? As it turns out, they can't keep their beaks shut either.
Police in Northampton, MA responded to a report of a robbery in progress at a local convenience store around 3:45 AM on Sunday. Investigating the area, they found two men in a nearby car, along with a rooster. Their suspicions aroused, they searched the car and found stolen merchandise from the store. The men were arrested, and the rooster was brought to the station for safekeeping.
Officers posted about the incident, and their "very vocal guest," on their Facebook page.
So far, no information has been released about why the crooks were in possession of a rooster. But we can speculate. Maybe the rooster was a lookout, intended to crow loudly from the car to alert them if the police arrived (or if the sun came up).
Or maybe the rooster was the mastermind, and he planned the whole job. He could even have allowed his accomplices to be caught, knowing that no cop would suspect an "innocent" bird. It's genius. Even if he was found out, he could just fly the coop.