5. Blac Chyna, because she was arrested for being a mess at the airport.
Poor Blac Chyna. It seems like just yesterday that the formerly obscure model became a household name by allying herself to Rob Kardashian and thus making enemies of the rest of the family. Now, she's already having her first major public meltdown—the celebrity equivalent of a Bat Mitzvah. Today, she is a star.
TMZ reports that Chyna was removed from a plane and arrested at Austin International Airport on Friday, after getting drunk and calling a flight attendant a "nasty ass bitch." She was found to be in possession of drugs and led away in handcuffs, crying. It's a sad story, but at least she looked good in her mug shot.
There's a reason that face is sowing discord in the world's most powerful family.
4. Brad and Angelina, because somebody peed on their house.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are deeply committed to charitable causes around the world, but there's a limit to their compassion. When it comes to the plight of the homeless looking for mansions to pee on in Hollywood, they have no sympathy.
Last week, the celebrity couple's security guards spotted somebody lurking in the bushes outside their Hollywood Hills home, so they called the cops. When the cops confronted the man, they realized he was no stalker out to snap photos of one of Brangelina's 80 children—he was just a poor homeless guy looking for a place to wiz. He was quickly released.
Although it's easy to focus on the struggles of this unfortunate man who's fallen through the cracks of society, don't forget about the toll this incident must take on Pitt and Jolie themselves. Their home is their temple, and now it is forever tainted by the spectre of a stranger's fluids. They may even lose the will to adopt any more children, which would make the whole world poorer. All for a piddle.
3. A cop who was mistaken for a stripper and mobbed by middle-aged ladies.
Even the most professional police officer can't be expected to stand his or her ground when attacked by a room full of ravenous cougars. So everyone should take it easy on Police Community Support Officer Mike Ober, from Bradford-on-Avon in the UK.
PCSO Ober was making his rounds on Saturday when he heard a commotion from a social club. Noticing the door was open, he peeked in, only to realize he was stepping into a scene from a very tame porno. He told the BBC:
But as I went in there were loud cheers and someone shouted: "Oh, are you the stripogram?"
It turned out the club was hosting a 50th birthday party, and the crowd of middle-aged women had mistaken Ober (who is in his mid-20s and engaged) for the exotic dancer they had hired. The baffled cop was informed he was early, and used that as an excuse to "beat a hasty retreat" before the women could tear his uniform off in a frenzy of menopausal lust.
He passed the real stripper on his way out. Reports don't specify, but it's nice to imagine they gave each other a little nod, as a gesture of mutual respect between two heroes.
2. Chris Brown, because his baby mama says he gave their baby asthma with his weed.
This time, the man who became famous for beating up Rihanna is having yet another dispute with his baby mama, Nia Guzman. Guzman went public over the weekend with claims that their one-year-old daughter Royalty has developed asthma due to extended exposure to secondhand weed and tobacco smoke while in Brown's custody.
She told a judge that the baby always reeks of smoke when Brown returns her, and is asking for his visitation rights to be restricted. She also wants him to agree not to drink or smoke around the baby, and to submit to random drug tests. And, as a side note, she wants her child support increased from $2,500/month to almost $16,000.
It's this last request that has Brown firing back. In an Instagram post that has since been deleted, he claimed that Guzman is just smearing his (already pretty muddy) name as a ploy for money, adding: "I quit cigarettes on New Years. NO ONE smokes around my daughter."
Although the child support request is pretty steep, this dispute still comes down to a basic he-said-she-said. And considering that he's Chris Brown, and there's a kid involved, he'd better get out his checkbook.
1. A guy who was arrested while wearing an unfortunately accurate t-shirt.
If you're tired of hearing about celebrities crashing and burning, here's a refreshing change of pace: a non-celebrity doing it. In Baden, PA, Michael Emrick led police on a 15-minute chase in a stolen truck last Tuesday after being accused of retail theft. The chase involved a cop being thrown to the ground, and only ended when Emrick crashed his vehicle into a shed in a stranger's yard.
Once arrested, he was found to be in possession of heroin needles and other drug paraphernalia. All in all, he made an astonishing number of bad decisions in a very short span of time, which made the t-shirt he was wearing at the time seem even more ironic:
The shirt read: "Really good at making really bad decisions." You almost can't be mad at the guy after seeing that. Until you remember he attacked a cop. Emrick was charged with aggravated assault and a number of other misdemeanors and felonies. But the one thing nobody can accuse him of is not being self-aware.