5. Jeb Bush, because he's out.
It seems like just yesterday that Jeb Bush was the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination. But in reality, that was eight front-runners ago. And now, the ride is over. He's officially out of the race. He resigned with dignity, but the reaction on Twitter was brutal.
Former Governor Bush announced he is now also a former candidate at a press conference on Saturday. It was a humbling moment for a contender who seemingly had every advantage: a place in a political dynasty, a long career in government, a $100 million super PAC, a personalized gun… but in the end, none of it could save him from his greatest weakness: he just doesn't say enough crazy sh*t.
Luckily, the Republican race is now dominated by the most talented crazies in a generation: there's a candy-haired xenophobic moneybags, a dead-eyed megalomaniac who is hated by everyone, and the Henson puppeteers behind Marco Rubio. 2016 is going to be a long year.
4. Kris Jenner, because she was booed.
Please resist the urge to start booing just because you read the name "Kris Jenner." Anyone around you who isn't reading over your shoulder will be very confused.
The hatred for any and all Kardashians, Jenners, and affiliated celebutantes runs deep in the public consciousness. And Kris Jenner (the queen bee responsible for the entire brood) knows that well. But as a cruel reminder, she was mercilessly booed on Saturday night while trying to introduce Culture Club at an 80s throwback concert.
To her credit, Jenner soldiered on, sticking to the words on the prompter despite the wall of angry noise hitting her in the face. But at this point, her whole family is quite used to brushing off that sort of thing. They just internalize the hate and transform it into adorable babies.
3. Emma Watson fans, because she's taking a year-long break from acting.
Bad news for Emma Watson fans: she's not playing Hermione anymore. Of course, that's been true for the past five years, but it doesn't get any easier for them to take. And now, fans' hopes that Watson will appear in new, different movies, allowing them to pretend that she's Hermione even though she's not doing any magic, will have to wait. In a new interview in Paper magazine, the actress announced that she will take a break from acting for the next year.
Watson is taking the sabbatical so she can focus on her work as a UN Women Goodwill Ambassador, and on her newly-founded feminist book club, Our Shared Shelf. While it's certainly admirable that she's devoting herself to the cause of women around the world, the news will no doubt come as a disappointment to her fans that prefer objectifying women over empowering them. But luckily, there aren't many of those. And the ones that do exist clearly aren't paying attention.
2. Jared Fogle, because he thinks his prison sentence is unfair.
Jared Fogle, former Subway pitchman and child predator, is appealing his 15-year prison sentence, claiming that it is excessive. That news again: he thinks 15 years is too long a prison term for a pedophile.
In an appeal filed on Friday, Fogle's lawyers claimed that the previous judge was out of line by sentencing Fogle to 15 years when prosecutors only asked for 13. Then again, it was within the judge's power to give him as much as 50 years, so maybe he should keep his mouth shut.
Fogle's attorneys cited a passage from the judge's ruling, which read: "This defendant is obsessed with child pornography and having sex with minors. He fantasized about it in telephone conversations." They feel that their client should not be prosecuted for his fantasies, quoting another decision which says, "We are loath to give the government the power to punish us for our thoughts and not our actions."
Of course, this ignores the fact that in addition to possession of child pornography (supplied by the head of his "charity"), Fogle confessed to having sex with underage prostitutes who were only 16 or 17. He also texted a friend that the encounter was "amazing!"
Maybe Big-Pants Jared and his lawyers should leave well enough alone. He may be going to prison, but at least his name was out of the headlines for a few months. By the time he's released, maybe the world will have forgotten what a monster he is. They might not even recognize him, if he gains enough weight.
1. A German mayor who accidentally outed himself as a BDSM fan in a Facebook post.
After the ickiness of the last story, it's worth noting that there's nothing wrong with consensual BDSM (bondage, dominance, sadomasochism). But that doesn't make it any less fun when a public official's kinkyness becomes public knowledge. This is even more true when said official accidentally outs himself.
Thomas Koppl, the mayor of Quickborn, Germany, tried to weigh in on an online political debate (always a mistake, even for a pro) by posting a screenshot of the German constitution to his town's official Facebook page. But Koppl neglected to crop the image, allowing everyone who looked at it to see the tabs he had open in his browser. Those tabs included pages called "Punishment Porn Videos," "BDSM porno videos" and "German slut punished."
The image was quickly picked up by the German news media. Before long, everyone was aware of Mayor Koppl's fascination with how sluts should be punished in the German judicial system.
While BDSM is an accepted and embraced part of the sexually progressive German culture (bless them), Koppl must still be pretty embarrassed. To his credit, though, he didn't try to play off the story with any phony excuses. In a Facebook comment, he admitted: "Yes, I visited the sites concerned."
What repercussions are in store for his political career? Only time will tell. But even he would admit that he's been a bad mayor, and needs to be taught a lesson. It may hurt, but he'll be ready for it.