5. Cam Newton, because he lost a football game.
If you spent yesterday under a rock, you might not be aware you missed Super Bowl 50. (You probably still would, because it was shown under most rocks.) The Denver Broncos and their quarterback Peyton Manning pulled off a major 24-10 upset over the Carolina Panthers, which must have come as a nasty shock to their quarterback, Cam Newton.
Although he was the league's MVP for the year, Newton failed to break through the Broncos' defense in the big game, being sacked six times. Considering the hype that surrounded the 26-year-old Newton this season, and the attention paid to 39-year-old Manning's injuries, this must have been a crushing blow. And if that weren't humiliating enough, he had to spend halftime listening to Coldplay.
Newton's postgame interview shows how hard he took it:
Cheer up, Cam. It's just Coldplay.
4. Taraji P. Henson, because she mistook Coldplay for Maroon 5.
Perhaps the most interesting moment of the Super Bowl didn't happen on the field at all. It was only caught by people wise enough to be following Empire star Taraji P. Henson on Instagram. During the halftime show, an enthusiastic Henson posted this image, which has since been deleted:
The caption reads:
YAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!! #maroon5 is life to me!!! #superbowl50 #HappyCamper I am
Perhaps if Henson were really such a big Maroon 5 fan, she would have been able to spot the subtle clues indicating that Maroon 5 were not performing at the Super Bowl. The band soft-rocking the Super Bowl stage was actually Coldplay.
While it's easy to confuse Coldplay and its leader Chris Martin with Maroon 5 and its leader Adam Levine (or is that the other way around), the two bands are actually vastly different. Coldplay is a British rock band made up of four white guys, whereas Maroon 5 is an American rock band made up of six white guys. And don't forget their hits. While Coldplay is most famous for whatever the song was in that Apple commercial, Maroon 5 is well-known for a different song (editor's note: too bored to look this up.)
When she realized her mistake, Henson responded with good humor (unlike her character Cookie, who would never have taken that lying down).
3. Salma Hayek, because she was wearing the worst possible shirt when she was taken to the emergency room.
Salma Hayek is doing fine after suffering a head injury Friday on the set of her new movie Drunk Parents. Unfortunately, the beloved Mexican-American actress/sexiest woman of all time was wearing her wardrobe from the scene when she was taken to the hospital. It made the situation even more uncomfortable, as Hayek confirmed in this Instagram post:
That's not an optical illusion—Hayek is wearing a shirt with a naked torso printed on it. One can imagine those poor young doctors seeing what looked like a topless Salma Hayek walk into their hospital and fainting theatrically. But of course that's not what happened—they treated her injuries so professionally that she gave them shoutouts by name in her post. Then, presumably, they fainted.
Although it's definitely funny, this story should not be dismissed as a joke. It's an important reminder both that head injuries must be treated immediately, and that Salma Hayek has breasts. Those things desperately need some publicity.
2. Mischa Barton, because Volkswagen outed her for not making her car payments.
Remember Mischa Barton? The former child actress, star of The O.C., and 2003 "It Girl" has been relegated to has-been status for the past decade, but that doesn't mean nobody's been keeping track of her. Volkswagen, for example, is very interested in her future career plans, and whether they involve paying for her god damn car.
Perez Hilton reports that the German car maker has filed a lawsuit against Barton, claiming that she stopped making payments on her leased vehicle, and demanding $25,000 in damages. It's hardly surprising, considering that she's done the same thing with Audi in the past. She just loves defrauding Germans!
Maybe this time, she became embittered over Volkswagen's emissions scandal and decided to fight back by refusing to pay for her precision-engineered pollution machine. In that case, she's really a hero. She should celebrate by getting herself something nice. A BMW, maybe.
1. The owner of the Nicole Brown Simpson murder condo, because it's become a tourist destination again.
Speaking of nostalgia, O.J. fever has once again gripped America, following the premiere of FX's new miniseries American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson. Last Tuesday's debut episode was met with huge ratings and critical acclaim, proving that this is one Simpson family people didn't get tired of in the 90s. But the success of the show is bad news for one person: the owner of the infamous L.A. condo where Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered.
A next-door neighbor told TMZ that in the past week, the home has seen a massive increase in foot and vehicle traffic, with gawkers trying to get a glimpse of the interior where the murders took place, and the back alley where the "unnamed" killer made his (or her, lol) escape. It's unfortunate for the poor sod who bought the condo in 2006 for $1.7 million, hoping to get some peace and privacy in Southern California's most well-known crime scene.
Considering that the property was empty for two years after the murders, it seems like the heat just won't die down on this sunny, well-located stabhouse. Is ruining this prime piece of real estate O.J. Simpson's greatest crime?