5. Beyoncé, because she got snubbed at the Grammys and now the world will burn.
At last night's Grammy Awards, Beyoncé was nominated for Album of the Year for the fourth time. Everyone thought she had a lock on it—after all, 2016 was the year of Bey. She appeared in the Super Bowl halftime show, released her seminal surprise album Lemonade, and became pregnant with twins. What force on Earth could possibly be powerful enough to deny her the award she had craved for so long? Oh right, Adele.
Adele won Album Of The Year and was crying saying Lemonade deserved it, wow I love her pic.twitter.com/vMh2apMsty— MARIO (@MarioPalush) February 13, 2017
Of course, Adele tried to make peace in her acceptance speech, describing Beyoncé as the "icon of her life," and even breaking her trophy in half so they could share it. But the damage was done. There's no way Queen Bey would ever accept half an award statue (especially not a Grammy, which is already basically half an award).
Like it or not, Adele has slayed her own hero. And now, her fate is sealed.
4. Adele, because the Beyhive wants her blood.
Including Album of the Year, Adele won four Grammys last night. She swept every category she was nominated in. Today would have been the best day of her life, if she had defeated anybody besides Beyoncé. Now, she'll spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder for a crazed Bey fan with a baseball bat.
Don't believe? Take a look at these tweets from diehard Beyoncé fans.
so kind of adele to hold demi and beyoncé's grammy's pic.twitter.com/FXAdqw7KRW— hanna (@gayforelise) February 13, 2017
Adele is learning firsthand what happens when you rattle the Beyhive. You get stung. Bzzzzz.
3. Kellyanne Conway, because she pissed off the boss's daughter.
Senior Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway landed herself in an ethics scandal last week when she gave a self-described "commercial" for Ivanka Trump's clothing line during a television appearance. In doing so, she violated federal ethics laws that prohibit government employees from making endorsements. Even more importantly, she managed to make a scandal stick to the Teflon Trump administration.
Afterward, Official White House Shouter Sean Spicer said that Conway had been "counseled," and promptly dropped the issue. But although it may seem like she got off scot-free, new reports claim that behind the scenes, she's still in hot water. Because she angered Ivanka, the only person or thing Donald Trump has ever loved. According to Politico,
A source close to Trump said that his daughter scolded Conway for dragging her brand into an ethics mess and told her not to mention it again on TV.
Apparently, Ivanka had previously talked to Donald about keeping her precious brand out of politics, but Conway wasn't aware of that conversation. She just "dips in and out of meetings" when she feels like it.
Conway is playing a dangerous game, positioning herself as a close confidant of the president while also making media statements without his approval. So far it's worked for her, but if she doesn't manage to get on Ivanka's good side, her days are numbered. The only person riskier to anger than her is Beyoncé.
2. A guy who told police he was being followed but was actually just super high on meth.
One of the side effects of methamphetamine use is paranoia. In fact, that's probably the main effect. But one Utah man didn't know that—and ironically, it landed him straight in jail. (He probably doesn't appreciate the irony, because of the meth.)
Fox 13 reports that a 27-year-old man called the Garland City Police Department around 3 AM Sunday to report that two suspicious vehicles were following him. He pulled off the highway and into a service station, where police agreed to meet him. When the officers showed up, they didn't see any suspicious vehicles, but they noticed that the man was acting suspicious as hell. Chief Chad Soffe said:
It was obvious he was on some kind of drug.
Searching his pickup truck, they did find some kind of drug. And a lot of it.
That's more than 36 pounds of meth, "concealed" inside food jars. The GCPD estimated the street value at more than half a million dollars.
The man had no identification on him, except for a forged international passport. Officials are still trying to discover his identity. But as for us, we have a theory.
1. Two guys who were arrested for drunk driving a couch.
For generations, the irrepressible people of rural Canada have found creative ways to keep themselves entertained during the endless bitter winter. Usually, lots of beer is involved. But a few guys took that a little too far last weekend, and wound up in jail.
In Miramichi, New Brunswick, a police officer was shocked at 3:19 AM last Thursday when he saw an ATV towing a couch through the drive-thru at a McDonald's. On the couch were two men in motorcycle helmets.
Irresponsible or not, you have to admit that looks fun.
The officer gave chase to this bizarre Mad Max contraption, and unsurprisingly was able to catch it. But that's when things got interesting. The ATV driver, knowing the jig was up, unhitched the couch and bailed on his friends, escaping across the frozen Miramichi river. The ATV was later recovered, but the driver is still at large and unidentified.
The couch riders, meanwhile, were less lucky. The 28- and 39-year-old were both arrested and found to be intoxicated (duh). Maybe next time they have a late night drunken craving for McDonald's, they'll call an Uber. Although in New Brunswick, most Ubers are also ATVs with couches attached to them.