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5. Warren Beatty, because he's getting blamed for the biggest screwup in Oscars history.

He was like the captain of the Titanic telling everyone to remain calm.
He was like the captain of the Titanic telling everyone to remain calm.

The world is still shaking from the colossal mixup at the end of last night's Academy Awards. Screen legends Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway took the stage to present the award for Best Picture, announcing that the heavily-favored La La Land had won it. The only problem was that it hadn't.

Millions of viewers were treated to the experience of seeing the producers of La La Land make their speeches, oblivious to the frenzied Academy officials scurrying around behind them. Gradually, the beaming smiles of the "winners" were replaced by expressions of sheer horror. Then the truth was revealed—Beatty and Dunaway had announced the wrong movie. Moonlight was the actual winner. Whoops.

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In the ensuing chaos, Beatty returned to the microphone to explain what had happened, but the damage was done. Host Jimmy Kimmel jokingly shouted, "Warren, what did you do?!" In that moment, Beatty officially became the scapegoat.

The sad part is that his explanation made sense. He clearly saw that something was wrong with the envelope, but wasn't sure how to proceed—it was Dunaway who confidently announced the wrong winner. But for better or worse, Beatty will be remembered as the buffoon here.

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4. Emma Stone, because her big night was ruined.

She got all dressed up for nothing (except winning Best Actress).
She got all dressed up for nothing (except winning Best Actress).
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Last night should have been the best night of Emma Stone's life. At only 28, she took home her first Best Actress award for her performance in La La Land. But this whole Best Picture mixup hit her especially hard. When the news broke, everyone clearly saw her mouthing the words "Oh my god."

The moment became one of 10,000 memes from last night's awards.
The moment became one of 10,000 memes from last night's awards.
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After the show, she gave an emotional reaction to the press, in which she seemed to imply some conspiracy within the Academy was responsible.

What Stone didn't know is that the Academy always keeps two copies of the winning card. What's still unclear is exactly how the backup Best Actress card wound up in Warren Beatty's hands instead of the Best Picture one. But Stone won't rest until she has answers. She should appoint an independent prosecutor.

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3. Donald Trump, because he's skipping the White House Correspondent's Dinner and now he'll just get made fun of even more.

Does this look like a man who takes himself seriously?
Does this look like a man who takes himself seriously?
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Every year since 1921, the White House Correspondents Dinner has honored the journalists who keep our government honest. In recent years, it has become a widely publicized affair, hosted by a comedian who faces the supreme challenge of making fun of the president to his (or hypothetically her) face. In fact, in the last 36 years, no president has ever skipped the event. But leave it to President Donald "Fake News" Trump to break that streak.

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White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave a dismissive explanation to ABC's This Week, saying, "This wasn't a president that was elected to spend his time with reporters and celebrities." But a tweet posted by the president the same day may offer a better explanation.

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This guy just really hates the press. The only people he hates more are comedians. Why would he spend the night hanging out with both of those groups of people just so they could clown on him? Especially because the last time he went, he was thoroughly humiliated by none other than President Barack Obama.

He'll have plenty of time to catch up on all the best burns during his nightly five-hour Fox News binge.


2. Papa John, because he was sued for driving a man mad with unsolicited texts.

"Call me Papa and I'll give you pizza."
"Call me Papa and I'll give you pizza."
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"Papa" John Schnatter is a pizza mogul famous for his outspoken conservative political views, his criticism of Obamacare, and the fact that he managed to start a successful pizza empire with the last name "Schnatter." He's no stranger to bad publicity, but it still has to sting when his namesake company gets dragged into lawsuits. And the latest one is as sticky as day-old tomato sauce.

TMZ reports that a man named Jonathan Anozie is suing the pizza chain for bombarding him with nonstop text message advertisements, even though he had never ordered a pizza from them. He still doesn't know how they got his number, nor does he know how to make the messages stop. At this point, Papa John's is texting him like a desperate, thirsty ex.

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He even replied "STOP" so that the automated texts would end, but it didn't work. So he's taken the only logical step—he's suing the whole company for inducing anxiety. Papa John's has yet to respond, but they'll have to put in some work to make this right. Maybe if they mail him coupons every day?


1. A woman who crashed her car into a deputy's SUV because she was distracted by a puppy.

In Sunset City, Utah, a woman flew too close to the sun last Thursday by attempting to drive her car while simultaneously playing with a puppy. Then, in a very predictable turn of events, she swerved into the oncoming lane and collided with another vehicle. And to make matters worse, it was a cop car. The Davis County Sheriff's Office posted about the incident on its Facebook page.

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Distracted Driving Alert! Today around 10:00 am a driver was playing with a puppy while traveling down the road at 30...

Posted by Davis County Sheriff's Office on Thursday, February 23, 2017

The DCSO warned:

Please, we implore you, do not drive while distracted! … Put down your cell phone, your puppy, your makeup and anything that can take your eyes off the road.

That's an excellent point. Is there anything in the world more distracting than a puppy? There should be a new crime established for cases like this: DUIPC. Driving Under the Influence of Puppy Cuteness.

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Commenters on Facebook were quick to ask the most important question.

Now that's a relief. If that puppy had been hurt, we would have lost our sh*t.