5. Martin Shkreli, because he lost his Twitter privileges.
Infamous "pharma bro" Martin Shkreli has lost his favorite tool for harassing public figures. Shkreli became famous in 2015 after purchasing the rights to Daraprim, a life-saving drug used in the treatment of cancer and AIDS, and hiking the price from $13.50 per pill to $750. He's a real class act.
After that ugly incident turned Shkreli into a popular internet villain, he became addicted to negative attention. He turned into a prolific troll, heckling Hillary Clinton, preventing the public from hearing a new Wu-Tang Clan album, and creepily hitting on Katy Perry. But on Sunday, when he targeted Trump-bashing journalist Lauren Duca, Twitter decided it was too far, and suspended his account. (The details of how Shkreli harassed Duca are disturbing, so you'll definitely want to read all about them here.)
Of course, this isn't the first time Shkreli has been suspended by Twitter. But like most trolls, he always slithers back sooner or later. Everyone knows that racism, open threats, and intimidation don't get you permanently removed from social media. Only posting boobs can do that.
4. Emma Watson, because her Beauty and the Beast doll looks more like the Beast.
If you didn't know that Emma Watson is starring as Belle in Disney's upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast remake, you might want to check your internet connection. This movie has Disneyphiles and Potterheads alike frothing at the gills with excitement (even if the Beast is a little fugly). But now, those fans are recoiling in horror from a brand-new doll produced for the film. It's supposed to depict Watson as Belle, but it seems to have more in common with the gargoyles from The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
That is pretty weird. The large head and prominent forehead make it look like something a beach boardwalk caricaturist would draw. But a lot of fans saw something else in "Belle's" face. Something you won't be able to un-see.
Oh my god. It IS Justin Bieber! Just check out this GIF.
Damn it, Bieber! Can't we enjoy ONE piece of 90s nostalgia without having to be reminded of his dumb face? If Disney really wanted him to be involved in this movie, they should have just cast him as Gaston. At least that would make sense.
3. Jimmy Fallon, because his Chris Rock impression didn't quite land.
Tonight Show giggler-in-chief Jimmy Fallon hosted last night's Golden Globe Awards, and the reviews are in: he was fine. With the exception of a minor technical mix-up during his monologue, Fallon coasted through the night with his trademark professionalism. He even dropped in some of his famous celebrity impressions. But he decided to debut one that didn't quite live up to his standard: his fellow Saturday Night Live alum, Chris Rock.
I'm not sure who that sounds like, but it's not Chris Rock. Paula Deen, maybe? Viewers on Twitter had some theories.
But pretty much everyone had the same general opinion.
2. A drunk woman who tried to ditch the cops by driving into a river.
A Pennsylvania motorist is in custody after sacrificing her car and freedom just to prove how much she loves beer. The individual, whose name has not been released, was wanted by police last Monday after blowing through a stop sign.
She was tracked down to a boat launch in the town of York Haven, where officers blocked in her Subaru Outback and attempted to talk to her. But she outsmarted their blockade by gunning her engine and driving straight into the Susquehanna River, winding up about 20 feet from the shore.
The cops waded out to pull her from the car, but she refused. Newberry Township Police Sgt. Keith Farren told the York Daily Record, "She stayed in the car and continued to drink her beer."
She was taken to the hospital while police conducted their investigation. If I were them, I'd be investigating where I could find some of that beer. That stuff sounds good.
1. A man who stole tools from his job and accidentally tried to sell them to his boss.
A would-be-thief is behind bars after experience the most ironic wrong number mixup in history. The Times West Virginian reports that 37-year-old Shawn Nelson Furner of Fairmont, West Virginia was picked up along with an unnamed cohort after someone reported them as suspicious persons to the police.
When officers arrived on the scene, they found a large number of Snap-On brand tools in the trunk of Furner's car. The car was towed, but there was no evidence of a crime, so Furner and his buddy were returned home. And that's where this gets interesting.
Furner's boss, the owner of Mike's Auto Repair, reported to police that an assortment of Span-On tools had been stolen earlier that day. And he had good reason to suspect that Furner was involved. Apparently, Furner had called him and told him he had Snap-On tools for sale. But when Furner realized who he had dialed, he explained it was a wrong number and quickly hung up. "Bullet dodged," he must have thought.
Police acquired a warrant to search Furner's home and vehicle. They found the stolen tools and arrested this mastermind on two felony charges: breaking and entering, and conspiracy to commit a felony. He's currently being held on $40,000 bond. But he should be back on the street just as soon as his cohort gets his hands on $40,000 worth of tools.