5. Ed Sheeran, because people wanted him to be decapitated in Westeros.
Modern day traveling troubadour Ed Sheeran cameod on the season 7 premiere of Game of Thrones as a chill Lannister soldier who just wanted to eat a squirrel. While people were pumped that Winter was finally Here after months off the air, Throners got really thrown off when the pop star showed up.
Really, in an otherwise engrossing series that takes us out of our current dark politics to an alternative dark politics of a fantasy medieval past, the presence of that guy who's Taylor Swift's friend was pretty damn distracting.
There's hope: maybe Melisandre will bring him back to kill him.
4. Aaron Carter, because he's mean muggin' and feudin' with his brother.
A week after telling TMZ "you won't catch me getting any DUIs," Aaron Carter caught a—wait for it—DUI.
The junior varsity Backstreet Boy got arrested for DUI and drug possession, and his brother Nick wants everyone to know that he didn't. The older Carter virtuously sent out a series of tweets supporting his bro in need, which is nice, but as the baby Carter says, would have been nicer in person.
Nick Carter tweeted:
In his serious, lawyer-vetted note (it's a screenshot of a note, so you know it's serious), Aaron said, "not cool bro, SAY IT TO MY FACE."
Lastly, Aaron would like to state on record this statement regarding his brother Nick's public tweets: 'If my own blood (Nick) truly cared about my well-being, why wouldn't he call me directly and have a conversation instead of making this about him through a very public forum? That's not cool at all to use me for his PR and kick me while I am down. I love my family despite it through thick and thin.'
They are two worlds apart...can't reach to his heart when he says he wants it that way.
3. Ann Coulter, because she got burned by an airline.
It takes a uniquely awful person to get people rooting for an airline—evil entities that have in the past few months alone has beaten a doctor 'til he bled, broken a disabled man's $42,000 wheelchair, and subjected passengers to SCORPIONS. But if there's one thing that could get people on their side, it's roasting Ann "9/11 widows are opportunistic witches" Coulter.
Coulter, who has made a career out of shamelessly insulting people who have legitimate grievances (like 9/11 widows and people of color) got a taste of victimhood herself over the weekend, when she was slightly inconvenienced on a Delta flight. THE HORROR!
After a Twitter tantrum that included blasting the faces of innocent strangers to her 1.61 million followers, Delta clapped back, and vowed to refund her $30.
Now that's what I call a Coulter-geist!
People were struggling to reconcile this new sensation they were feeling: that of being Team Airline.
Every airline should now respond to every Tomi Lahren tweet to call her a "snowflake" and all of their sins will be forgiven.
2. The 12-year-old who was arrested for talking sh*t to clowns.
According to a new lawsuit, a 12-year-old boy in suburban Cincinnati was arrested at school and prosecuted for comments he made on an Instagram page about "scary clowns."
When Scary Clown Fever™ struck America last fall, the boy was arrested at school after he stumbled upon the Instagram Clown.Clann, a page dedicated to that viral hoax that claimed clowns were leering and luring kids into the woods. According to the Associated Press, the kid commented "DUMB FUCKS COME TO SYCAMORE YOU WON'T" and "I'll square up to those [clowns]" and was arrested in front of his peers the next day at school for "causing public alarm and harassing the Instagram account's operator."
The boy's parents are aiming to get charges dropped and seeking damages for "emotional distress." They're not clowning around.
1. The farting passenger blamed for grounding a flight.
Yesterday afternoon, a flight from Charlotte, North Carolina had to make an emergency landing in Raleigh. Airport officials initially told WNCN that the stinky evacuation was due to a passenger "passing gas," from which "passengers on the flight became ill with nausea and headaches," the limited circulation naturally turning the aircraft into one big Dutch Oven.
What sounds like a perfect gag for an Airplane movie was, in fact, too good to be true. Today, American Airlines fired back at the reporters of such flatulence of epic proportions, instead insisting that the plane was evacuated during a non-fart related "medical call" after a mechanical issue.
"We did have an aircraft from Charlotte to RDU this afternoon, that landed at 2:19 p.m. ET, and arrived the gate at 2:21 p.m. ET, that is currently out of service for an actual mechanical issue – and odor in the cabin. But it is not due to ‘passed gas’ as mentioned," airline spokesman Ross Feinstein insisted.
What a bummer.
But this rumor is a gift to us all. In the immortal words of Louis CK:
