5. Tom Hiddleston, because he's in the middle of a hurricane.
This morning, the world is reeling from a freshly reignited Kim Kardashian/Taylor Swift/Kanye West feud. But all the previous fighting between T-Swift and Kimye seems like harmless ribbing next to the A-bomb that Kardashian dropped yesterday, in the form of secretly-recorded video of a phone call between West and Swift. The whole story is complex and outrageous and stretches back more than a decade, so read our full coverage to get caught up. But right now, let's address the real victim in this war: Tom Hiddleston.
Ever since Hiddleston first became involved with Swift a month ago, his privacy has been decimated. He jumped headfirst from the kiddie pool of fame to the deep end, and now he's desperately doggy paddling for his life. And now that this feud has exploded back into life, that pool might as well be full of sharks. And he has no legs. This metaphor is becoming increasingly tortured, but it's not an exaggeration.
One thing feels definitively true—Hiddleston had no idea this was coming. Meanwhile, social media is in a frenzy over his misery.
Will Hiddleswift survive this test? No.
4. Lady Gaga, because she got pulled over two weeks after getting her license.
She may not be involved in any active feuds, but Lady Gaga's week isn't off to a great start either. A New York City kid turned international superstar, Gaga has never learned to drive. But at the age of 30, she decided recently that it was time to finally tackle that rite of passage, and thus relate to her millions of teenage fans. But as those teenagers know well, the first days of driving are no picnic.
Only two weeks after she finally got her license, Gaga had her first run-in with the fuzz. On Friday, she was pulled over on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu for not having license plates on her brand-new Ford truck.
There are many questions left unanswered in this story. Was Gaga using temporary plates until hers came in the mail? Did she have proof of ownership in the glove compartment? Was she fined? Did she get out of the ticket by telling the cop, "I was born this way…" or some other reference to her discography? As always, she leaves us wondering. That's why we love her.
3. Mike Pence, because he made a terrible mistake.
On Friday, Indiana Governor Mike Pence was honored to accept Donald Trump's offer to be his vice presidential running mate. It seemed like all his troubles were over—he was on the national stage, free from the Indiana citizens who hate his guts, ready to make his mark on history. But then he realized—he had made a deal with the devil. And his hell has just begun.
Immediately after accepting the nomination, there was the debacle of the Trump/Pence campaign logo, which managed to look like penetrative sex, a toilet, and a Soviet propaganda poster all at the same time.
But if you think that's bad, you haven't seen the two candidates appearing in their first joint interview on 60 Minutes. Take a look at this highlight reel. Try to resist the urge to gawk at the human traffic cone Trump, and pay close attention to Pence's face.
That's the face of a man in ultimate suffering. And the election isn't for four months. By November 8, his hair will have turned so white, it'll be transparent.
2. A wanted man who wandered straight to the police station chasing Pokémon.
In the weeks it's been out, the mobile game Pokémon Go has become a worldwide phenomenon—or, you might say, epidemic. In addition to cultural insensitivity, the game has been responsible for a wave of injuries, as oblivious players walk into walls, trees, and traffic while chasing Diglets. But one Michigan man took it to a new level, by landing himself in jail while pursuing Pokémon.
The Detroit Free Press reports that a 26-year-old Milford, MI man was biking around town in his pajamas looking for Pokémon (not unusual for this game) when he sought out one gym (a geotagged location in the real world where you can compete against other players) that turned out to be located at the Milford police station. Officers noticed him through the window of the station and went out to investigate, at which point they recognized him as a wanted fugitive with a warrant out for his arrest.
His crime? Failing to appear in court on a breaking and entering charge (possibly while looking for Pokémon). He was booked on the spot and later released on a personal bond.
It's ironic, isn't it? He tried to catch 'em all, but in the end, he was the one who got caught.
1. Japan's infamous "Nipple Man," who was finally brought to justice.
Police in Kyoto, Japan have arrested a legendary pervert with a long reputation of leering at schoolgirls on the subway while rubbing his own nipples. From now on, he'll be rubbing his nipples in jail.
33-year-old Toshihiro Fujikuma was caught last month after he upgraded his nipple play to full flashing, exposing his genitals to two 16-year-old girls. Since at least 2013, he had been well-known in western Japan as Chikubi Ojiisan, “The Nipple Man” or “Mr. Nipples.” Many young women had taken photos of him rubbing his swollen nips, but he had never been identified. And once his name went public, it was bad news for the city of Ritto, Shiga Prefecture.
As it turns out, Fujikuma is a welfare case worker in Ritto—a civic employee. His exposure as an exposer has cast serious shame on the city government, and Japanese people take shame seriously. Mayor Masahiro Nomura told reporters he “can’t hide just how shocked I am, for a city official to lose trust through this horrible act … I’d like to deeply apologize to our citizens, and will strive to restore trust as well as deliver strict punishment."
For his part, Mr. Nipples himself admitted to his long history of nipple crime. Nippon News Network (not to be confused with Nipple News Network) reports that he told police he "was stressed and had sexual motivations." As opposed to the nonsexual motivations he might have had for rubbing his nipples at teenage girls.