5. Jared Kushner, because his best defense is "I am dumb."
Son-in-law-in-chief Jared Kushner appeared before the Senate Intelligence Committee to talk Russia, and will likely be as honest as his security clearance form (so, not very). The Kush released an 11-page written statement in which he states, "I did not collude"—a statement that could prove to be just as true as Richard Nixon's "I am not a crook."
Kushner's defense boils down to, "I was in over my head and had no idea what I was doing, so let me continue to run the country."
Just a wee 36-year-old baby, Kushner doesn't take responsibility for anything that looks bad. Omitting all foreign contacts from his security clearance form? Oopsie, his assistant submitted it prematurely. Walked in to a meeting Don Jr. hosted with a Russian lawyer to get dirt on Hillary Clinton? Not his fault he was there, he didn't read the email, even when the subject was literally "Russia - Clinton - private and confidential." Oh, and just because he wanted to covertly talk to Russia during a Russian embassy equipment doesn't mean that he wanted a "secret backchannel," unless you look up what a "secret backchannel" is.
This testimony is such a special occasion that Kushy felt compelled to open his mouth and make a statement on TV, surprising everyone with his charmingly pre-pubescent speaking voice.
His denials of Russian collusion are sure to make Special Counsel Robert Mueller back off as much as other members' of the Trump team's did, which is, not at all.
4. Michael Phelps, because people are bummed he didn't get eaten by a shark.
Extremely fast human swimmer Michael Phelps was slated to race a frickin' shark on the Discovery Channel's heavily hyped Shark Week program, titled "Phelps vs. Shark: Great Gold vs. Great White."
Fifty-seven minutes into last night's airing of the spectacle, ecologist Tristan Gutteridge told the camera, "Clearly, we can’t put Michael in one lane and a white shark on the far lane. We’re gonna have to do a simulation." Say what?
It was a real sharkbait-and-switch, and people were MAD.
To rub saltwater in the wound, Phelps ended up losing to the CGI Great White, making it a bad night for the human race in general.
The most decorated Olympian of all time lost to an imaginary shark by just two seconds, but viewers lost an entire hour of their lives.
Sure, people tuned in, but not as much as they would had he actually got eaten.
3. Hilary Duff, because she got robbed.
Hilary Duff was not just robbed of an Emmy nomination for her work in the underrated Younger, but her home was physically burglarized.
A robber, presumably a huge Lizzie McGuire fan, broke into her Los Angeles home while she was in Canada with her 5-year-old son Luca, and stole hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. According to Page Six, the star's alarm never even went off.
While being robbed sucks, Duff joins a an A-list crew of celebrities who have been recently been burglarized by a group we can only assume is gearing up for a sequel to The Bling Ring.
2. The guy who has to pay $65,000 in child support for a kid who isn't even his.
Texas man Gabriel Cornejo, 45, is fighting a court order that insists he pay $65,000 in child support for a kid he only met once, and who isn't product of his sperm.
In 2003, a child support court ruled that Cornejo must pay child support to his ex-girlfriend who had recently given birth because she insisted "that there was no way he wasn't the rightful dad."
Cornejo is currently raising three children of his own and two nephews, and claims that he was unaware of this court decision until last year, when he was served court papers stating that the state of Texas lists him as having another kid.
Later, Cornejo met the kid for the first (and only) time, and a DNA test proved that they weren't related. But Cornejo and the state of Texas still want that money. The Texas family code (chapter 161, for all you Texas family code nerds out there!) states that one still owes support payments that built up before the paternity test proved otherwise.
He now has to convince a Texas judge to reopen the case.
"They say he should have fought back then, and he failed to do so," his lawyer said. "But how can you fight something you don’t know anything about?"
1. The man who confessed to speeding "for the Snapchat."
Hey, if you're going to go over 50mph the speed limit just for a speedometer reading on Snapchat, perhaps you should keep that fact to yourself when pressed by the police.
Georgia man Malon Neal was zipping down a country road at a whopping 112mph, leaving the law behind and likely a street full of dead squirrels.
When the police caught up to him, Neal was brutally honest about his intentions while speeding, telling the cops, "Um, I was trying to do it for the Snapchat, not going to lie to you."
The Alpharetta Department of Public Safety was not that impressed with his candor or his crime.
Heed to the app's warning, people.
Next time, if you REALLY want to impress your friends, just take a picture with the dog filter and write "NOT BREAKING ANY LAWS RN."