5. Chris Christie, because his nacho freakout got caught on video.
Yesterday, New Jersey governor Chris Christie took a break from vacationing on his public, private beach to catch a Cubs-Brewers game in Milwaukee, but the real battle was in the stands. Heckled by a humble Cubs fan, Christie and his nacho sundae got all up in his grill to call him a "big shot." Ooooh, burn!
The scene was just so perfect, like a Renaissance painting capturing Christie's essence. The extremely high-waisted pants. The invasion of personal space. The iron grip on the mountain of cheese sauce.
And not a single nacho was spilled.
It was almost instantly the number one trending topic until Game of Thrones started.
The Cubs fan, Brad Joseph, described the scene to WISN:
When he initially was going up the stairs I yelled his name. He was quite a bit past me, and 30 feet away I yelled his name and told him that he sucked … I called him a hypocrite because I thought it needed to be said. He turned around back towards me and got in my face for what seemed like a long time, but was probably only about 30 seconds or a minute. (He) was yelling at me. First he told me, “Why don’t you have another beer?” which I thought was a decent come back, and I thought that was kind of funny. Then he started calling me a tough guy.
Christie WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED BY ANYBODY...other than Donald Trump.
4. Tomi Lahren, because she admitted she's on Obamacare while trashing it.
In a "debate" with Chelsea Handler that was actually just a conversation, Conservative Barbie Tomi Lahren unknowingly admitted to benefitting from Obamacare while bashing that very law.
After a signature rant™ against the health care law that has granted access to millions, Lahren said, "Luckily, I’m 24, so I’m still on my parents’ [health care plan]."
Hey, girl, it's not luck, it's actually legislation from one President Obama that lets you stay on your parents' plan until you're 26! Ironically, it's the freedom from Obama that lets you live as a freelancing Trump troll!
It's also, um, terrifying that not only does Lahren spew ignorant nonsense, people actually listen to her.
3. Gigi Hadid, because she may or may not have gotten shaded by Zayn Malik's ex in song.
In the running to be the Next Great Girl Fight now that Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are officially boring are Gigi Hadid and Perrie Edwards.
Edwards, Hadid's current beau Zayn Malik's ex, just might have called out Hadid in a song aptly titled "Shout Out to My Ex."
The fact that Gigi's last name is pronounced "Ha-deed" instead of "Ha-did" (ha)did not stop the speculation.
Now it's either "Hadid," or an extremely breathy "I did," which is now stirring up a hot debate.
Even if she didn't, should Edwards just run with it for the "YAAAAS KWEEN"/savagery points?
The reaction of Edwards's Little Mix bandmate Jade does suggest that it was a special occasion
WAS IT JUST A FUNNY FACE?
Please let this be a feud. The world is full of such real fights, we could use one between two rich, beautiful people that would bear no consequences.
2. This guy who went to The Emoji Movie.
With a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes, The Emoji Movie burst into theaters not with [fire emoji] but a [meh]. The extended commercial for texting without words failed to justify its existence with a brutal opening weekend.
Having gotten almost exclusively thumbs down from critics, one movie theater in Indiana was so shocked that a human would pay money to see the feature, they didn't bother showing it.
The tweet went massively viral, and eventually Jules and his crew had to ask the theater to put the movie on.
We had to go ask them to turn it on and then it didn't have audio hahaha— Jules (@Julian_Epp) July 30, 2017
Next time a movie theater doesn't put the movie on the screen, take it as a sign that you're being spared.
1. The widower who got in trouble for littering while looking for love.
After his wife died of cancer, a Scottish man named Craig Sullivan decided to forego Tinder to find a new mate and send an SOS to the world inspired by The Police's song "Message in a Bottle." Sullivan casted 2,000 messages in bottles into various bodies of water around the UK, and beachgoers were not particularly moved to see his romantic gestures wash up on the beach.
One even told The Telegraph:
“I went for a beach walk and we came across about 30 glass bottles with lids. They had lots of messages inside about finding love. It’s may be romantic, but what is it doing to the environment?”
She reached on to Sullivan directly.
“Those bottles could be smashed before they land on our precious beach or stepped on.
“I would ask you to think of another more environmentally friendly way of carrying on with your campaign. When visiting our beaches you should leave only footprints.”
Sullivan was ordered by the Scottish Environment Protection Agency to seek out a wee lassie in a way that doesn't involve littering.
But it's not all bad: Craig says that he has about fifty dates lined up. You go, Craig.