5. Melania Trump, because she has to live with Donald now.
The First Couple looked elated as they trudged towards their new reality, with "the cyber" expert Barron wearing a shirt that says exactly that.
While long-distance relationships can be tough on many couples, Melania appeared to be preferring the arrangement, seeing as she appears to resent her husband as much as vulnerable populations in America do.
While Melania might shiver at the view of her husband, she is excited about the view from her window.
We're looking forward to the meme-ories!
4. Kevin Spacey, because critics think he sucked at the Tonys.
Despite not being one of the—wait for it—usual suspects to host an award show... Kevin Spacey took on hosting duties at the 71st Annual Tony Awards. While a lot of fans were presently surprised to see him sport some solid song and dance chops, critics were not impressed.
The New York Times wrote that the show made use of him "in ways that ranged from torturous (the opening number) to tolerable (he does pretty good Johnny Carson and Bill Clinton impressions)."
"Holy cannoli, this guy’s a cutup," The New Yorker said. "In his opening number, Spacey poked fun at his last-resort status, but then used the rest of the broadcast to ham it up shamelessly. It was like being at a workshop of his multi-character solo show: there were uncomfortable jokes about being 'in the closet,' endless references to his movie credits, and even a Bobby Darin song to close out the evening."
We cut to Spacey turning to the camera to deliver his witty retort.
3. Donald Trump Jr., because it sure sounds like he confirmed James Comey's testimony.
It was a busy weekend for the Trump family. (Well, for everybody but Donald Trump, who was golfing.) While Melania and Barron moved to the White House, Donald Jr. moved to help bolster an obstruction of justice case against President Trump, albeit accidentally.
In FBI Director James Comey's blockbuster testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Comey testified that the president had told him that he "hoped" he'd let the investigation into Michael Flynn go. Trump's lawyer later told CNN in a statement that "the President never, in form or substance, directed or suggested that Mr. Comey stop investigating anyone, including suggesting that that Mr. Comey 'let Flynn go.'"
Well, Junior didn't get the memo about the statement, because on Fox News on Sunday, he said:
When he tells you to do something, guess what? There's no ambiguity in it, there's no, 'Hey, I'm hoping. You and I are friends: 'Hey, I hope this happens, but you've got to do your job.' That's what he told Comey. And for this guy, as a politician, to then go back and write a memo: 'Oh, I felt threatened.' He felt so threatened — but he didn't do anything.
Trump lawyer: He didn't tell Comey to do anything.
Trump Junior: He told Comey to chill off Flynn, but in a cool, friendly way.
This might complicate Junior's standing as Donald's non-Ivanka favorite child.
2. This kid who was caught stealing, because he was forced to get a brutal face tattoo.
A 17-year-old thief in Brazil got a free tattoo against his will after he was allegedly caught stealing a bicycle from a one-legged man. Puta que pariu! ("F*cking hell" in Portugese, according to Google)
Now every time the kid looks into the mirror or any reflective surface, he'll be reminded of his crime, with a big, fat "I am a thief and a loser" staring right back at him.
While stealing a bike is bad (and from a one-legged man is a hilarious visual), it kind of seems like a cruel and usual punishment.
People feel for the kid, and are crowdfunding money to get him laser tattoo removal. There's nothing like a face tattoo to bring people together.
1. This guy, because his office milk is on lockdown.
Scottish curator Kevin Anthony went viral with a pic of his coworkers' extraordinary measures to protect their milk.
Steel rods and padlocks are the ultimate defense against milk thieves who take "Got milk?" as a challenge. If you're looking to invest in a startup, "milk locks" are the next big thing.
He's got the "most annoying coworkers" thing on lock.