5. Johnny Depp, because Team Amber has backed him into a legal corner.
If you thought the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard divorce couldn't get any bitterer, you've got a lot to learn about celebrity divorces. Now, sources connected to Heard's case have told TMZ that they have an ironclad strategy for keeping Depp from taking the stand.
According to the source, Heard's legal team is convinced that Depp won't testify, because doing so could get him prosecuted for domestic abuse—a fate far worse than losing custody of their globe-trotting dogs in divorce court. Her lawyers are willing to bet he won't even submit a written declaration denying the accusations, because even that could get him in big trouble if not carefully worded. TMZ points out that Mel Gibson (another movie star with some less than charming personality traits) submitted a declaration in his divorce, admitted in the document that he slapped his wife, and was prosecuted. Bill Cosby's current legal troubles also stem from confessions he made in a deposition that he thought would protect him.
With the upper hand, Heard's people are pretty confident they'll get the restraining order they want against Depp. If that happened, Depp wouldn't be able to go within 100 yards of Heard—i.e. the length of one of his scarves.
4. Zayn Malik, because he's anxious.
Anxiety is a debilitating mental illness that affects countless people around the world, including the author of this article. So there's nothing funny about Zayn Malik (formerly of One Direction, currently directionless) canceling a concert due to anxiety. JK, it's a little funny. Just look at what he tweeted on Saturday:
Yes, anxiety attacks are very serious and could render any musician incapable of performing. But come on—it's Zayn. He doesn't even have to sing. Those girls in the audience would have been just as happy if he sat onstage wrapped in a blanket for three hours. Just as long as his perfect face was showing.
Get well soon, Zayn. And until then, thin out your calendar.
3. A woman who had a snake drop onto her from her dashboard while driving on the highway.
In lighter news, your greatest fear has come true. You might not want to read this story if you intend to drive a car ever again.
A Fayetteville, AR woman named Kelly Swisher was driving her car in the middle lane of I-49 last Thursday when a four-foot long rat snake fell out of the dashboard and onto her feet. She described the incident to KFSM News:
As soon as it landed on my feet, I felt it. It was rough and scaly. As it slithered across my feet, it was the nails-on-a-chalkboard kind of thing.
That's a good metaphor, especially considering she must be suffering from PTSD at this point. Swisher called 911 for help, but the snake quickly slithered back into the dashboard. Then, summoning a superhuman reserve of courage, she got back into the driver's seat and went home. Animal control officers later caught the hitchhiking reptile.
Yahoo News points out that rat snakes (despite having a name that sounds like the worst thing that could possibly fall on your feet) are not venomous or dangerous to humans. Unless they make you crash your car at 70 mph on the highway.
2. Meg Ryan, because haters were outraged at her face.
Meg Ryan made the crucial mistake of appearing in public as a 54-year-old woman this weekend, and is paying the price in a big way. The actress, famous for adorably stammering her way through a run of hugely successful romantic comedies in the 90s, appeared at the Tony Awards on Sunday night to introduce a performance. Unfortunately, time (and in all likelihood, some ill-advised surgery) have not been particularly kind to her, and hateful trolls took notice.
Tony viewers didn't hold back in their reponses:
Luckily, Meg Ryan is a millionaire who doesn't have to care what anyone thinks. And she has one more thing they can't take from her: the most famous orgasm scene in movie history.
1. A carpenter whose life-sized replica of Noah's Ark crashed.
If you interpret the Bible literally, then you have to assume that Noah was the greatest carpenter of his time. Why else would God choose him to build the ark that would save the world? Unfortunately, modern self-employed ark builders aren't quite up the same standard. That's why a Dutch carpenter's ark crashed into a Norwegian Coast Guard patrol boat on Friday.
Built by Johan Huibers, the full-size ark/mobile museum was being towed to a new destination when the crew lost control and smashed it into the side of the military vessel in the Port of Oslo. The 427-foot wooden ark, built to prehistoric standards, was ripped to shreds by the state-of-the-art Coast Guard ship, suffering a huge gash on the side. Images of the destruction were shared to the museum's Facebook page:
Luckily, no live animals were on the ark at the time, because it's not that accurate of a museum. The damage has since been repaired, and the attraction is now open for all religious parents and their bored children.