5. Jared Kushner, because he knows he's in deep sh*t.
The New York Times reports that son-in-law-in-chief Jared Kushner is lawyering up BIG LEAGUE in the fake news witch hunt that is the Russia investigation. As the special counsel's probe increasingly has him cast in a lead role, Kushner's krew has "quietly contacted high-powered criminal lawyers about potentially representing him in the wide-ranging investigation into Russia’s influence on the 2016 election," the Times reports.
Outreach to big lawyers started last month, the Times notes, when the Washington Post reported that Kushner suggested to the Russian ambassador that he create a secret backchannel to the Kremlin using their equipment. Oh, and the special counsel is investigating Kushner's business dealings, too.
Kushner is reportedly seeking out trial lawyers, which may or may not suggest that he wants to be ready for a trial.
Let's hope that he at least as time to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict before being indicted.
4. Drake Bell, because he wasn't invited to Josh Peck's wedding and is really sad about it.
Ex-Drake & Josh star Josh Peck married longtime girlfriend Paige O'Brien in a small and intimate ceremony on Saturday, a ceremony so small and intimate it didn't include his longtime co-star, Drake Bell.
Bell was surprised and sad and tweeted-and-deleted his sense of betrayal.
This was a devastating blow to Bell, and anyone who had Nickelodeon in the '00s, because like Bell, they assumed the friendship was forever.
According to E! News, Drake Bell also wrote, "Loyalty is key... ALWAYS remember where you came from," which he also deleted.
While this is all very sad, the wedding drama also provided the world with a reminder that Drake Bell exists.
Reach out to your friends, hold on to your loved ones, because nothing in this life is guaranteed.
3. Justin Bieber, because he got burned by the Hanson brothers. Yes, really.
In an interview with Hit107 FM in Australia, brothers Isaac, Zac, and Taylor were challenged to a game of Name That Tune when the station put on Biebs's new hit, "Despacito."
"Can I just say I’m glad I didn’t know what that was," said one of the bros.
"I prefer not to get any venereal diseases so whenever Justin Bieber gets near me or near my ears ... it’s just ear infections, they’re terrible."
Pandering to the Australian audience, one of the Hansons referenced the fact that most koalas have chlamydia, and joked:
"It’s like hanging out with a koala. Chlamydia of the ear, it sucks."
2. The robber who got caught because he applied for a job.
Pro tip: If you're going to rob a place, don't strut in a few hours later to pick up a job application.
FOX23 reports that a man in Tulsa, Oklahoma robbed a Jack in the Box on Saturday morning, and police implied that he had a gun.
He had a busy afternoon, too:
[Police] say afterward he robbed a nearby Mid-K Beauty Supply around noon, where he allegedly told an employee and her young niece that he wanted cash, had a gun in his pocket and didn't want any trouble.
Perhaps robbing those joints didn't turn out to be sufficiently lucrative, or he quickly had a change of heart, because the robber decided to do the noble thing and start job hunting.
He reportedly returned to the Jack in the Box to grab a job application, and "employees recognized him and confronted him until officers showed up."
Hey, nobody said criminals were intelligent.
1. The farmer who died after getting drunk and starting a fight his own pig, who bit off his fingers and his testicles.
A farmer in southwestern Mexico died after a porky brawl with only seven fingers left and no more penis.
El Debate reported that the 60-year-old farmer came home drunk from a party and somehow got into a fight with his pig, who lives in his house. During the brawl, the animal bit off his testicles and three fingers on his right hand. The farmer was rushed to the hospital and died from an infection caused by his wounds.
Rest in peace, sir. May Heaven be free of swine.