5. Ivanka Trump, because she's been ordered to testify...no, not in that case.
Human embodiment of a nude pump Ivanka Trump has been summoned to court to testify in a trademark suit against Ivanka Trump™ The Brand (she hasn't been summoned by the Russia probe just yet).
Ivanka Trump™ The Brand has been accused by Italian shoe company Aquazarra for ripping off their design for their fringe-y, tassle-y "Wild Thing" sandal.
A whole lot of designs are suspiciously similar/the exact same.
The New York Daily News reports that Ivanka Trump The Person tried to evoke a sort of "executive privilege" to prevent herself from having to testify in the case, saying she shouldn't have to testify because she wasn't involved in the design. She also said in a signed declaration that she's an "Assistant to the President of the United States" with an office in the White House, so shouldn't have to deal with this sh*t.
Judge Katherine Forrest, however, disagreed, saying she should absolutely testify because Ivanka Trump The Person's own "active and comprehensive brand management lead to a reasonable inference that the shoe at issue would not have been released without her approval."
Aquazarra is seeking unspecified damages, but if the shoe were on the other foot, Ivanka Trump™ The Brand would probably be seeking a lot of money.
And hey, if you like some of the designs, you can buy them guilt-free.
4. Kelly Osbourne, because she pissed her pants on the street and blamed Starbucks.
Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Ozzy and Sharon, famous for being the daughter of Ozzy and Sharon, tweeted a harrowing account of an attempt to urinate in a toilet gone wrong. As everyone knows, Starbuckses serve as unofficial public bathrooms that also just happen to serve coffee, and Osbourne tried to claim her right to tinkle in their toilet and was denied.
The "#PissedMyOwnPants" hashtag failed to catch on or create a global movement to advocate for officially open bathrooms, and Osbourne proceeded to get pissed on by Twitter.
The baristas are just doing their job, following policy and u made their day way harder on a busy weekend by pissing all over the store— friendly bagel (@hibiscusbitch) June 26, 2017
You're an adult, how do you not know how manage your piss by now. Are you waiting until the last minute? Did you go before you left home?— 500 Guns Arenas (@OgotGAMEtalk) June 26, 2017
Oh, and savvy New Yorkers pointed out that this location doesn't even have a public restroom.
I love this location. They're very friendly. BTW, this location is so small- there is NO public restroom in this location.— Meddocnyc (@MedDocnyc) June 26, 2017
But hey, before you judge Kelly Osbourne, walk a mile in her now piss-filled shoes.
3. Salvador Dali, because he's embroiled in a Maury-worthy paternity suit from beyond the grave.
In a story fit for the ultimate surrealist, a judge has ordered that the body of painter Salvador Dali be exhumed to take a paternity test.
Maria Pilar Abel Martinez, a Tarot card reader born in 1956, insists that her mother, a maid, had a secret affair in 1955. Martinez first claimed to be the product of this clandestine romance in 2015, and is now bringing up the body.
Dali, who died in 1989, is buried in the theater and museum he designed himself in his hometown of Figueres, Spain.
The Madrid Supreme Court ruled to exhume his remains, so Maria can find out once and for all if her psychic suspicion is true.
Can't a dude rest in peace?
2. The police chief who robbed a bank, because he got caught by his friends.
A former chief of police in Simpsonville, South Carolina decided to test out the forces of the Dark Side and rob a local bank of America. WYFF 4 news reports that former officer Richard Inman of the Williamston police department has been accused of walking into a local Bank of America, stating that he was armed and demanding money.
Inman was caught on surveillance footage, and easily identified by his former colleagues. He was caught immediately.
He was arrested arrested in Georgia and is currently in police custody. Like old times, but different.
1. This guy who accidentally sent a YouTube link as a cover letter.
Posted to the subreddit Facepalm, the internet's destination specifically for things that'll make you smack your forehead, job seeker SpiderXile shared a screenshot of his oopsie which is every unemployed person's nightmare.
And—wait for it—the video included with the job application is none other than "Go Robot......It's Your Birthday."
By some miracle, maybe it will really be the HR person's birthday when they open it up, and they offer SpiderXile the job for possessing some impressive psychic skills.