5. Selena Gomez, because other Selena Gomezes are trying to muscle in on her territory.
Selena Gomez isn't just a person—she's a brand. With over 113 million followers, she's officially the most popular person on Instagram, so she has to protect her identity with the same ferocity as an oil conglomerate protecting its valuable shale deposits. And TMZ reports that she's taking that fight to extreme lengths, by attempting to trademark all uses of her name.
According to legal documents, Gomez is trying to set a precedent that nobody else can do a TV or media appearance using the name "Selena Gomez," even if that's their name too. Which is too bad for the 61 other Selena Gomezes listed on WhitePages.com. If any of them want to break big in show business, they'll have to use a stage name. We recommend "Justin Bieber."
4. Donald Trump Jr., because it's his turn to be a meme.
Sooner or later, everyone associated with Donald Trump's presidential campaign gets the meme treatment: Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, and obviously the POTUS himself. Today, that fate has fallen on presidential dauphin Donald Trump Jr., who allowed himself to be profiled for a cringeworthy piece in the "failing" New York Times. The article focused on Trump Jr.'s life as an "outdoorsman" (he's famous for killing elephants), and included a truly bizarre photo of him sitting on a stump while staring thoughtfully into the distance. Of course, this pic immediately became the hottest meme on the internet.
After all this embarrassment, Don Jr. is going to need to blow off some steam. So much for the endangered white rhino.
3. A security guard who got called out by Adele from the stage.
During a sold-out show in Melbourne, Australia last night, World Empress Adele noticed a security guard telling her fans to sit down and stop dancing. Of course, Her Majesty was having none of it—her concerts are a place for everyone to express themselves. In her signature way, she interrupted her performance to unleash an adorably foul-mouthed tirade against the narcing guard.
Adele told him:
This is a music show, if people can’t see then they can stand up. And if you’re moaning about people dancing, then what the fuck did you come to a show for?
Then that man instantly vaporized into a puff of sweet lavender smoke.
2. This woman who cruised down the highway with a trampoline on her car.
When this trampoline's a-bouncin', cops will come a-pouncin'.
One News Now reports that a woman in Auckland, New Zealand was fined after cops caught her transporting an enormous trampoline on top of her car, secured to the hood with nothing but a couple of puny little ropes. Hundreds of gawkers witnessed her car bouncing along the highway before she was finally brought to justice.
The video above was actually taken after she had been pulled over—the police car was escorting her to make sure she got to her destination without any other driver taking a piece of circus equipment to the face.
Although that was certainly a bonehead move, we do have sympathy for this woman. Everyone knows how hard it is to get rid of a trampoline.
1. This soccer player who accidentally thanked one too many people.
Mohammed Anas, a Ghanaian soccer player for South Africa's Free State Stars, was named "man of the match" after scoring twice (in soccer, that's like scoring a million times) during a Premier Division game on Friday night. In the postgame interview, he was overcome with emotion and sweat—so much so that he forgot himself, and thanked TWO women in his life.
The best part is right after he says "my wife and my girlfriend," when he realizes what he's done. His nervous laughter as he apologizes and professes his love for his wife is eerily familiar to any man who's ever doomed himself with a poorly-timed slip of the tongue. But this is so much worse, because it was on TV.
This guy is going to spend the next month running from two rightfully furious women. It's a good thing he's fast.