5. Ja Rule, because he's getting burned by his own Fyre Festival.
By now, everyone in the world with a stable internet connection has heard about the catastrophic fiasco that was the Fyre Festival. (If you haven't heard about it, check your wifi. And read this.) Basically, what was supposed to be the most exclusive music festival the Bahamas had ever seen turned into a Mad Max-style post-apocalyptic hellscape.
All of the A-list stars dropped out, and the hot young millennials and social media influencers who paid between $1,200 and $100,000 to attend were left huddling in US AID tents with no electricity or food, hiding from the wild animals wandering the grounds.
In the days since these images went viral, all the celebrities who were paid to endorse the festival, including Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid, have been blasted on social media. But nobody has taken it harder than hip-hop impresario Ja Rule, who was one of the founders of the festival. He issued a very hostile apology in which he insisted, "This is NOT MY FAULT," but no one is buying it.
He and his co-founder, 25-year-old entrepreneur Billy McFarland, are being sued for $100 million in a class-action federal suit by the furious ticket buyers. They allege that the two men knew the festival would be a failure, and even warned their celebrity friends not to come in advance. The suit claims that they willingly lied about it for months, knowing all the time that it was nothing but a "get-rich-quick scam."
To be fair, every musical festival is a scam. But although Coachella might be overpriced and crowded, at least you never have to fight off feral dogs for a cheese sandwich there.
4. Katy Perry, because she's being slammed for a bizarre joke about her hair and Barack Obama.
Pop megastar Katy Perry has never shied away from politics—during the 2016 election, she was one of Hillary Clinton's most vocal celebrity supporters (before she was beaten by the guy endorsed by Ted Nugent and Kid Rock). Still, Perry is famous enough that her outspoken nature sometimes comes back to bite her, like this past weekend. She took to Instagram Live to answer some fan questions, and gave a truly baffling response to one commenter who said they missed her old black hair.
When you read the transcript, it seems clear that Perry immediately knew she had stepped in it once again:
Oh, really? Do you miss Barack Obama as well? Oh, OK. Times change. Bye! See you guys later… I should stop now.
A friend in the car joked that Perry was "cut off" immediately before the video cut off. But by then, the damage was done.
Perhaps the weirdest part of Perry's "joke" is trying to figure out exactly what she meant. Was it a race-based pun on the word "black?" Was she mocking Obama supporters for being sad that the White House is full of white supremacists now? Or was it a total non sequitur just intended to make her friends in the car giggle?
We may never know the answer, but we can take comfort in the fact that Barack Obama definitely doesn't give a sh*t.
3. Fabio, because he got robbed and blamed it on the governor.
Legendary Italian pec model Fabio is sexily angry after his Los Angeles home was recently burgled. Thieves made off with $200,000 of stuff that he literally sweated for.
TMZ recently caught up with this unbreakable Italian stallion at the airport, where they asked him about the robbery. Fabio went a little nuts in his reply, saying that it was only by chance that the thieves got away without being ripped to shreds by his guard dogs. He also took the chance to blame the theft on California Governor Jerry Brown, whose controversial Proposition 57 has made thousands of non-violent felons eligible for parole.
When did Fabio, a man who made his name posing as ruthless pirates, Vikings, and rogues on romance novel covers, become such a staunch anti-crime activist?
Maybe it was when he took that goose to the face on a roller coaster.
That would turn anybody into a fascist.
2. A drug runner who was caught trying to smuggle pot in the most morbid way.
Customs and Border Patrol agents were puzzled on Sunday when a drug-sniffing dog went nuts around a white hearse spotted at an immigration checkpoint near Whetstone, Arizona. Searching the vehicle, they found a coffin in the back, which is not surprising in a hearse. But because they're diligent cops and they ain't afraid of no ghost, they opened the coffin, at which point they were quite startled. There was no corpse inside—just 67 lbs. of marijuana bricks, with a street value of $33,000.
The driver, a 28-year-old American man, had gone to great lengths to hide his macabre operation. He had even loaded his hearse with bags of manure to mask the smell of the weed—because who would be suspicious of a hearse crossing the border that smells like poop?
The driver was arrested on narcotics-smuggling charges.
For the record, Whetstone AZ is about 15 miles west of Tombstone. So maybe this guy was trying to add some local flavor to his smuggling operation. Or he's just a dumb crook.
1. A florist who was caught stealing flowers from the dead.
What is the deal with all these morbid crimes? First there's weed in a hearse, now flowers stolen from a cemetery… is there a new nationwide crime ring run entirely by Goths?
In a truly bizarre story, 59-year-old Lynda Wingate of Riverdale, New Jersey was charged with theft of moveable property after surveillance cameras caught her stealing flowers from a mausoleum at the First Reformed Church Cemetery in Pequannock Township. The footage clearly shows her stuffing two plants into her minivan, then returning two days later to steal the replacement plants. Now that's brazen.
Even more disturbing, Wingate is a florist with her own shop. Who knows how many of her customers unwittingly bought somebody's death flowers? But at least she was caught before Mother's Day—that would have been awkward.
"Hey mom, I got you some flowers. No, I don't know what that smell is."