5. Azealia Banks, because she had to apologize for being a nutcase.
Less than a week after rapper/lunatic Azealia Banks went off on a Twitter rant against Zayn Malik, the 24-year-old provocateur has been forced, by a tidal wave of Internet shame, to back down and apologize. On May 10, Banks fired off several racist and homophobic tweets about Malik, accusing him of appropriating black culture, being gay, and eating sand (she also invited him to eat her ass).
In the days that followed, things didn't go well for Banks. She fired back at the hate coming at her from all directions, at one point getting into a feud with 14-year-old Disney Channel star Skai Jackson. Then, Twitter suspended Banks's account, and everyone hoped they might not hear from her for a while. But no such luck. On May 15, Banks posted this suspiciously sincere apology to Instagram:
Now when is she going to apologize for supporting Donald Trump? The world is waiting, Ms. Banks.
4. Selena Gomez, because Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry are back on.
Last week, TMZ reported that singer/actress Selena Gomez and pirate/elf Orlando Bloom were seen canoodling in Las Vegas, where they were "all over each other." The pictures, though grainy, clearly depicted some classic celebrity cuddles:
The images immediately ignited a firestorm of controversy among people with nothing better to talk about. After all, Bloom had been rumored for some time to be involved with Katy Perry. Was Legolas double-timing her? Perry quickly shut down the rumor mill on Twitter, and was backed up by Gomez herself. (Bloom wisely stayed out of it.)
For a minute, it seemed like the story was over. But just for a minute. Thanks to some more intrepid paparazzi, new photos have surfaced of Perry and Bloom in Cannes, canoodling like no two celebs have ever canoodled before:
Poor Selena. Just when she thought she had found herself a nice elf, it turns out he has the loyalty of an orc. Will she find the strength, confidence, and fierceness to carry on?
3. George Zimmerman, because his gun auction keeps getting taken down.
After reading about the "problems" of those beautiful musicians, you'll be refreshed by this news. It's about a truly evil man and the brave trolls who are making his life as difficult as possible.
Last week, notable teen-shooter George Zimmerman made headlines once again by putting the gun he used to shoot Trayvon Martin up for auction online. The sale attracted a lot of media attention, as well as many bids from history buffs, gun nuts, and assorted monsters. But just as many of the bids were fake—the work of online trolls with names like "Racist McShootface" and "Weedlord Bonerhitler." Some of them were bidding as much as $65 million for the gun, with no intention to ever pay.
The good news is that the trolling worked—Zimmerman's auction has been taken down multiple times after being totally overwhelmed by fake bids. Now, United Gun Group*, the site hosting it, has implemented an email verification system to try and keep out the spam. And that's sure to work—it's not like trolls have email.
*How perfect is it that Zimmerman is selling his gun on a site called UGG?
2. A Tiffany employee who was fired for saying Jews killed Jesus.
The world of luxury retail has been rocked today by the revelation that someone who sold jewels might be racist. Kristin Rightnour, the director of marketing for Tiffany and Co., is suing for wrongful termination, saying that she was let go after a casual conversation about theology she had with two coworkers. Apparently, she was gabbing with a Jewish colleague and a Catholic one, and dropped in a fun fact about how the Catholics (according to her) believe the Jews killed Jesus.
According to TMZ, the Jew was flustered and responded, "They didn't teach us any of this in Hebrew school!" Some time later, one of the employees complained anonymously, and Rightnour lost her job, as well as a $42,000 bonus she had coming to her. Now she's suing to get what she's due.
She still denies that she claimed the Jews killed Jesus, insisting instead that she only claimed it was a part of Catholic doctrine. Which makes it all better, right? Whatever happens to Rightnour, her story has made an important point. Diamonds may be forever, but saying ignorant sh*t doesn't just disappear either.
1. A guy who tried to rob a car wash with an empty potato chip bag.
Trans fats can kill, but not fast enough to use them as a deadly weapon. That's what one man learned on Friday after attempting to hold up a car wash in Rohnert Park, CA.
According to the Rohnert Park Department of Public Safety, a man waltzed into KaCees World of Water (a car wash with a name that implies it's a waterpark) and dropped an empty chip bag on the counter, demanding that the baffled cashier fill it with money. The criminal mastermind said that he had a gun in the bag, but the Kacees employee could clearly see there was nothing in there but a piece of cardboard. He called a coworker for help, at which point the thief took off running.
Let's take a moment to explore all the mistakes this overambitious robber made:
1) He tried to rob a car wash. Not the most profitable kind of business.
2) He used an empty potato chip bag for his money. In addition to being small, it ensures that the loot will be greasy, and thus easily tracked to the potato-chip-bandit. Also, it doesn't close (unless he brought a chip clip).
3) He claimed he had a gun, but was hiding it in a place where the victim could see it. This indicates a lack of forethought.
4) His fake gun was just a piece of cardboard. He could at least have bought a dollar store water pistol, so it would have been gun-shaped.
5) He ran away. He should have committed to his scene like a true actor, and convinced the employees he was armed through his physicality alone.
Here's a tip for all the aspiring criminals out there: don't be like this guy. Learn from his mistakes, don't repeat them, and, soon, you'll be rolling in potato-scented money. Don't let his failure be in vain.