5. Pippa Middleton, because the best man speech at her wedding compared her to a dog.
Royal-adjacent Pippa Middleton married billionaire James Matthews over the weekend, and like the billions of blogs after Will and Kate's nuptials, the best man just couldn't get over her butt.
Johanssen took the opportunity in front of the future King of England try out some standup jokes.
"I'm not married. But I took a girl home, my mother didn't like her. Took another girl home and my mother still didn't like her," he said. "So I went out and picked a girl that looked like my mother, took her home, and my father didn't like her."
And the stuff about the bride is where it gets really big and juicy. Johanssen opened with a reference to her butt:
Firstly, some messages from those who couldn't be here today. "Wish Pippa the best with the hair. We have really enjoyed seeing you and how you have mastered interpretive dance. Don't forget to buttock clench on the star jumps. That's from Steve and the gang at the Crazy Feet dance studio in Soho.
And then about Matthew's bitch, the dog kind:
Now to the love of James' life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But that is enough about Jame's spaniel, Rafa, I'm here to talk about James' love, Pippa.
Johanssen then bravely moved on to honeymoon sex:
With the wedding shadowed in secrecy, I can reveal, and wish the bride and groom a happy honeymoon in North Wales.
At least that's where I presume they are going as I heard Spencer saying that after the wedding, he [James] was going to Bangor for two weeks.
"Bangor"! Get it? Like "banging"!
While it's pretty standard best man fare, you can't help but cringe at crudity when it comes to Britain's high society. Poor Pippa.
4. James Cameron, because he's being sued by "the real Jack Dawson."
TMZ reports that director James Cameron is being sued for $300 million by Florida man Stephen Cummings for allegedly stealing his stories to create Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic. Oh, and he also thinks that Cameron stole the story of the Titanic sinking from him, too.
Court documents show that the complaint is arguing that Cameron got the idea for the gorgeous American rapscallion Jack Dawson after overhearing a conversation Cummings, a former "yacht master," was having with his friends in 1988. TMZ adds that Cummings insists that Cameron overheard him telling friends about relatives who were aboard the doomed ship, and just like in the movie, the husband died while the wife survived.
One-thousand-five-hundred-and-seventeen people died on that cold night in 1912, so Cummings's tale isn't a particularly original take.
Cummings is asking for $300 million, plus 1 percent of royalties.
This lawsuit seems like a long shot. I believe that Cameron's heart will go on.
3. Melania Trump, because she almost had to hold Donald's hand.
Melania Trump, America's First Lady who works remotely from New York, is joining her husband Donald for his foreign trip through the Middle East and Europe. Unfortunately for Melania, this means having to be in the same cities at the same time as her husband.
Upon arriving in Israel, Donald "The Art of the Peace Deal" Trump reached for Mellie's hand, and she was not having it.
The Israeli media has the hand-slap in slo-mo.
Forgive Donald, he's not used to things being able to swat his hand away as he grabs them.
2. The couple who had to pay up $2,000 because of the emoji they used.
A landlord in Israel has successfully sued a couple for misleading him with emoji, also known as just another day on Tinder.
Room 404 reports that the landlord, Yaniv Dahan, posted an apartment listing, and received a response from a couple which included enthusiastic emoji.
The message reads:
Good morning [smiley face]. We want the house [Flamenco dancer, twin dancers, peace fingers, comet, squirrel, champagne.] Just need the weekend for the details...When's good for you?
Dahan interpreted those enthusiastic emoji as a sure thing that they wanted to rent the house, and took down the ad. The couple responded about seeing the place, but then proceeded to ghost him, ignoring his messages... so he took them to small claims court.
The judge interpreted the couples' little dancers and squirrels as "proof of intent" of desire to rent the apartment, delivering the most serious analysis of emoji yet:
These icons convey great optimism. Although this message did not constitute a binding contract between the parties, this message naturally led to the Plaintiff’s great reliance on the defendants’ desire to rent his apartment.
It's official, people: your optimistic squirrel just may be legally binding.
1. This Florida woman who called the cops about her semen thermos and got outed on Facebook.
For three years now, Felicia Nevins and her husband have been trying to conceive a child, but to no avail. The couple decided to try artificial insemination, and got into a near-explosive situation, different from your average explosion of semen.
To keep the semen cool and fresh, Nevins put the lil swimmers in a thermos with dry ice, but as the Tampa Bay Times reports, "by forgetting to remove a rubber O-ring, the container could have exploded." Not the first time an O has been forgotten with regard to semen.
Felicia Nevins called up the Sheriff's Office "non-emergency line" for help safely opening up the semen, and a deputy and firefighters arrived, keeping quiet so the neighbors wouldn't suspect a thing. But the Sheriff's Office couldn't resist the potential Facebook likes a juicy story about near-explosive semen could get them, and shared the story on Facebook.
Although the Facebook post didn't mention her name, people were able to deduce who she was from the sheriff's office's description of her age, location, and time of the incident, and camera crews arrived at her doorstep.
The Pasco County Sheriff's Office defended the post, saying, "We attempt to show every day what our officers see in calls and we are a very open agency about the types of calls we see each day."
While Felicia Nevins might have been publicly humiliated by her own police force, at least she now knows how to preserve semen.