5. Dr. Luke, because he couldn't keep Kesha from slaying at the BBMAs.
Last night's Billboard Music Awards were more than just another unnecessary awards show and excuse for a red carpet—it was also the latest battlefield in the ongoing war between singer Kesha and her former producer/mentor/alleged abuser Dr. Luke.
Judges have repeatedly refused to allow Kesha out of her contract with the Sony-based producer, despite the fact that her lawyer compared it to "slavery." That comparison seemed to bear fruit in mid-May, when news broke that Kesha's planned performance at the BBMAs had been nixed by Sony when they heard that she planned to address the controversy onstage.
Luckily, Kesha made it clear that she only wanted to use her performance as a tribute to Bob Dylan. Sony relented, and on Sunday night, Kesha performed a spectacular version of Dylan's "It Ain't Me Babe" with Ben Folds. She made no mention of her alleged rapist Dr. Luke during the show.
But Sony's acquiescence backfired on Dr. Luke. Kesha's performance reminded millions of viewers what a talented singer she is, and also reminded them of the controversy. And if there's one thing this story has proven, it's that Dr. Luke doesn't gain sympathy from any publicity about himself or Kesha. There's not one fact about it that makes him look any less like an a**hole.
4. Taylor Swift, because she and her squad are being threatened by a goofy cyberstalker.
TMZ reports than an Internet troll has been menacing Taylor Swift and her squad with threatening tweets. He sent T. Swift a terrifying, yet vague, message that read: "I will kill some of you." He drummed up more enthusiasm for his tweet to Gigi Hadid: "people gon die they're gon die die die die!" To Cara Delevingne, he wrote: "I will kill your friends and I am excited about it." These threats are strangely bubbly—they almost sound like lyrics to one of Swift's songs, if she were a psychopath.
The nutcase also tweeted at Chrissy Teigen, telling her "gonna give it one shot, but I probably gonna end up murdering your friends." That moron! Doesn't he know that Teigen isn't in the squad? This dope needs to read more TMZ!
Police currently have a warrant to search Twitter's records so they can find this guy and put him in the looney bin, far from any social media-enabled devices. But in the meantime, he'll keep spreading his bad blood.
3. The Kardashians, because a plastic surgeon is using their name to sell facelifts.
The Kardashian name being used to sell shady beauty products? We never thought we'd see the day. JK, that's happened countless times. The difference is that this time, they're not being paid. And if there's one thing every Kardashian hates, it's not being paid.
TMZ reports that an Australian plastic surgeon named Dr. Gary Eldridge has filed for a US trademark on a facelift technique of his own design. He describes it as a "minimally invasive face/neck lift done under local anesthesia." His name? The "Kardashian Facelift."
If you're wondering how he can legally get away with that, good question. He certainly didn't get permission from a Kardashian, or even a Jenner. Instead, he claims the procedure is named after his daughter's dog, Kardashian. So does the operation make you look like a celebrity, or a Golden Retriever? Let's hope that's cleared up before anyone spends the $1,870 to have it done.
On the bright side, this Ozzie doc's scam might make the Kardashians rethink their relentless branding. And at least his daughter got a dog out of it.
2. A guy who tried to pay a stripper with counterfeit money and got busted.
Why does every sleazy guy try to pull sh*t in a strip club? It's the worst possible place for shenanigans—not only is it full of bouncers, it's also full of strippers. Here's the secret: the bouncers are actually just there to protect you from the strippers, who are more than happy to f*ck you up if you try to cross them. But despite this fact, losers are always trying to get away with something up in the club.
Take 32-year-old Stephen Gidcumb of Mount Morris, Michigan. On May 13, he decided to take in the sights at the Deja Vu club in Kochville Township. He was rolling deep, and walked in with a stack of $100 bills. Some of them were real, but others he had printed from his home computer. He used the bills, real and fake alike, to get into the VIP section (Very Impertinent Perverts?) and get repeated lap dances from a certain stripper. That young woman realized she had been given funny money once Gidcumb had left the club.
Deja Vu management called the police, who arrested Gidcumb later that night—when he returned to the club. Some guys just never learn. Especially the ones who go to strip clubs twice in one night. The police found evidence of the 32-year-old's sad little counterfeiting operation when his parents allowed them to search their house, where he lives. Bet you could have guessed that one, right?
1. Spanish nudists who lost a lengthy legal battle to bare their beach bods.
The Spanish Federation of Naturism, an organization of tanned, leathery Spaniards devoted to the cause of being naked, has lost a seven-year legal battle with the government of the historic city of Cadiz for the right to go bare-assed on its beaches. The federation had argued that nudism is a basic human right under Spain's constitution, a plea which took the case all the way to the Supreme Court. But that distinguished body decided in a ruling on Friday that nudity is not yet "an accepted practice by the majority of beachgoers." Bummer.
Cadiz, a port city at the southern tip of Spain, was historically the destination for all Spanish goods from the new world. It's still a major tourist destination, so a win there would have been a big deal for the federation. But like most nude people, their insistence on "just the tip" was unsuccessful. Now they have to gingerly jiggle away in shame.
Of course, they can still be as nude as they want on any of the beaches outside the city, and on most of the other beaches around Spain. But for Cadiz, they'll always have a case of judicial blue balls.