5. Donald Trump, because Edward Snowden is clowning on him.
If there's one thing Donald Trump hates, it's being made to look ridiculous. Or maybe foreigners. But he definitely doesn't like being made to look ridiculous. So it must have hurt his mighty feelings to see this tweet from noted traitor/freedom fighter Edward Snowden, making fun of him for refusing to debate Bernie Sanders:
Ouch. Nothing stings quite like being zinged by an enemy of the state currently exiled in Russia. What's worse, Snowden is right—by agreeing to the debate with Sanders and then backing down, Trump revealed that he's afraid of what would happen if the two actually faced off.
But is it the billionaire's greatest fear? No, of course not. His greatest fear is moths eating all his wigs.
4. Ariana Grande, because doctors just won't let her sing.
Singer/social media impresario Ariana Grande was forced to cancel a concert in Portugal over the weekend because of a nasty throat infection. She shared the sad news with a heartfelt apology on Instagram:
She shouldn't be so hard on herself. Sinus infections are nothing to mess around with, especially if you're five feet tall and spend every day belting out tunes at the top of your lungs. Take a breather, Ariana!
Unless this illness is something she picked up by licking strange donuts again. In that case, she should be sorry.
3. Kanye West, because somebody stole his gear and it was an inside job.
Last week, somebody broke into Camp Yeezy and made off with the heist of a lifetime. (Camp Yeezy refers to Kanye West's Calabasas, CA office, but nobody besides us has ever called it that.) Law enforcement sources told TMZ that during the night, some daring thief pried open the door, got inside, and made off with $20,000 in stolen laptop and desktop computers. Maybe he can ask Mark Zuckerberg to buy him new ones.
What's worse, West's people say that the robbery looks like it was the work of someone who knew the space—an inside job. Could one of Ye's people be disenchanted enough to betray him like that? Yes. He's a nightmare.
2. Johnny Depp, because the whole world is smelling his dirty laundry.
If you haven't been following the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard divorce saga, then this article must be the first thing you've looked at on the Internet in a week. So, thanks! And also sorry, because this one is a bummer.
It all started when Heard filed for divorce from Depp after a year of marriage (and three days after his mom died). Just when everyone was feeling bad for Mr. Scissorhands, Heard came forward with accusations and evidence that Depp had abused her. Celebrities are still coming out of the woodwork to lend their support to both parties in the contentious split, and it doesn't seem like it'll be cleared up anytime soon.
It's a confusing time for Depp's fans, who don't know whether to feel sympathy for him or tear up their 21 Jump Street posters. As for the man himself, he drowned his sorrows in music over the weekend, performing some therapeutic rock-and-roll with Alice Cooper and his band the Hollywood Vampires in Germany:
1. A woman who tried to smuggle meth by disguising it as burritos.
Everyone loves a spicy burrito, but a few drops of hot sauce is enough. Filling your dinner with more than a pound of meth is overkill.
That fact came as a tough lesson to a 23-year-old Arizona woman who attempted to cross the border from Mexico on Friday. She was carrying a bag of burritos, which didn't seem too suspicious to the border agents until one of their narcotics dogs showed an interest in the bag. (A dog interested in burritos? Who ever heard of such a thing?) Upon further investigation, one of the burritos was discovered to be nothing more than a tortilla wrapped around slightly more than a pound of meth—worth roughly $3,000 on the street.
After she was arrested, the woman told officials she was supposed to hand the stash over to an unnamed person in Tucson, for which she would receive $500. Instead, she'll be eating nothing but prison burritos until her trial. And those things are dry af.