5. Eric Trump, because he may have spilled the beans to a golf buddy.
With congressional hearings into the Russiagate scandal happening as we speak, the heat is really being turned up on President Donald Trump and everyone around him. The one thing they can't handle right now are leaks—especially really careless ones made to a professional journalist, by the president's son, on a golf course, three years ago. Oops.
In a new interview with Boston's WBUR radio, journalist and golf writer James Dodson tells a very interesting story about a day on the links he shared in 2014 with Donald Trump and his son Eric. Dodson had never met the Trumps before, but after numerous invitations, he agreed to meet them at Donald's then-new course in North Carolina.
Immediately after meeting Donald, the ever-journalistic Dodson asked him how he had financed the course in the middle of the housing crisis. Donald casually mentioned that he had access to $100 million in funding before dropping the subject. So when Dodson found himself in a cart with Eric, he asked him where they had found a bank willing to risk money on a golf course. Eric's response, as told to WBUR by Dodson, was pretty ominous.
He said, "Well, we don’t rely on American banks. We have all the funding we need out of Russia." I said, "Really?" And he said, "Oh, yeah. We’ve got some guys that really, really love golf, and they’re really invested in our programs. We just go there all the time."
That explanation wouldn't have been damning at the time, but three years later, when now-President Trump is under investigation for collaborating with Russian interests to help him win the election by hacking America, it doesn't look great. Especially because Donald has repeatedly said that he has no business dealings with Russia. Meanwhile Eric, like a good son, is denying everything.
Fake news! He never even played golf! He's not even a Trump! There's no such thing as Russia!
4. Mark Wahlberg, because he's pretty pissed he's still in Transformers.
At last night's MTV Video Music Awards, fans were treated to a bunch of sneak peeks at upcoming movies, including Wonder Woman, It, and Spider-Man: Homecoming. It was a wonderful evening for everyone who loves brand synergy.
The very last preview was the most underwhelming of all, as Mark Wahlberg came out to introduce an exclusive clip from the fifth film in the Transformers series, Transformers: The Last Knight. The veteran actor sulked onstage in a black t-shirt and his classic Marky Mark scowl. Then he explained the movie in unenthusiastic words that seemed to tell the crowd, "I can't believe there have been five of these things either."
What a salesman! He may have said, "The movie is better than me," but his eyes said, "I'm better than this."
3. A guy whose wife started making him punch in.
One husband in Shanghai, China is feeling the heat after his wife got fed up with him coming home late from work, and decided to handle things like a CEO. An image of her cunning scheme wound up on the Chinese social network Weibo, where it's going massively viral.
Your eyes are not deceiving you: she installed a punch card reader in the house. She also posted a set of rules, which I will summarize for you in case you can't read Chinese. (Although for the record, you should learn Chinese. For the future.)
The rules are as simple as they are merciless. This guy has to be home by 9 PM sharp every night. If he's late by even a second, the clock will know, and he'll have to pay his wife 100 yuan (about $15 USD). If he's more than a half hour late, he'll have to spend a whole weekend day doing housework.
But there is an easy way around these rules: he can just never come home again. That's what I'd do.
2. A smuggler who was caught at the border with junk in her trunk.
US Customs and Border Protection agents in Arizona were perplexed last Tuesday when they saw a 47-year-old Arizonan woman walk across the border from Mexico with an unusual sway to her stride. While it's not polite to stare, the trained professionals were forced to admit there was something suspicious about this woman's ass. Pulling her aside for a search, they learned they were right. This butt was full of black tar. The good stuff.
The woman was sneaking almost three pounds of heroin in her pants, taped up in packages to resemble an oversized rear end. She had even placed the packages to simulate a crack, which is very impressive attention to detail. If it had worked, she would have been sitting on a goldmine—the street value of her ass was over $45,000.
But alas, she didn't get away with it. And all because those CBP guys couldn't keep their eyes off a huge butt.
1. A droopy Pikachu who got "disappeared" by G-men.
If you've ever wondered what happens to Pokémon who get too worn-down to fight for sport, here's your answer. But be warned: you won't like it.
Last weekend in Songdo, South Korea, fans gathered to celebrate a Pokémon festival. One of the featured attractions was a choreographed dance number performed by 15 Pikachus. But unfortunately, it soon went horribly, hilariously wrong. The smiling, bouncy "electric mice" had just wrapped up their "Uptown Funk" routine and were getting into "You Can't Stop the Beat." About a minute in, the soloist Pikachu started looking a little droopy, as a malfunction affected its costume. But if you think that's bad, wait until you see the reaction from the festival's employees.
It looks like they're around to put a bag on that Pokémon's head and stuff it into the back of a limo, never to be seen again.
Remember how much you loved Pikachu as a kid? Sorry to ruin that forever.