5. FBI Director James Comey, because he managed to make everyone hate him in under a week.
Poor Comey. For a guy who seemingly makes all his decisions based on what will protect his reputation and that of the Bureau, he's managed to tank both in under seven days. He's like a one-man WikiLeaks.
After throwing the presidential election into chaos last week by releasing a vague announcement that the FBI had found more emails that might pertain to the investigation of Hillary Clinton, Comey went public again on Sunday (going public, by the way, is the opposite of his job) to announce that the new emails were officially No Big Deal. He cleared Clinton's name once again.
Now, everyone in Washington is furious at him. The Democrats hate him because he released the first letter, the Republicans hate him because he released the second, the Libertarians hate him because they're just generally angry… he's in a lot of trouble. And the FBI is in a state of civil war internally, with many avid Trump supporters wanting Comey's head for not handing their candidate the presidency on a platter. (Trump only eats off platters.)
So no matter who wins the election tomorrow, at least Comey doesn't have to worry about it. He's already lost.
4. Brad Pitt, because Angelina Jolie shot down his joint custody proposal.
The Brangelina breakup is extremely ugly—ironic, considering that it concerns two of the most beautiful people in the world. Last Friday, Brad Pitt filed documents seeking joint custody of his six children with Angelina Jolie. But sources tell TMZ that Jolie was like, "Nah."
Specifically, the source said that Jolie won't grant Pitt joint custody until he "gets his sh*t together." What does that mean? Controlling his anger problem? Giving up weed? Or just "his sh*t" in general? Also, if Brad Pitt doesn't have his sh*t together, I'm in deep trouble.
3. Donald Trump, because he lost his Twitter privileges.
If Donald Trump has seem more restrained and presidential in the past week, you have his campaign staff to thank. After months of pleading, they were finally able to convince him to hand over his Twitter password. For once, only approved campaign messages are being distributed from his account, instead of his usual 3a.m. threats, boasts, and insane ramblings. Coupled with the Comey letter mentioned above, this has enabled him to climb back from a campaign in freefall. Now his chances of becoming president are only bad.
But it must be hard for Trump. Twitter is his favorite outlet, his pride and joy. Being a troll is his true calling. And what's more, once the news that he had lost his account broke, everyone started clowning on him for it. President Obama got big laughs making fun of him during a speech in Florida on Sunday. And millions of people with unlimited access to their own Twitter accounts are mocking him, too.
If there's one thing Trump hates, it's people making fun of him. If there are two things he hates, it's not being able to respond to them. And if there are three, it's Mexicans.
2. James Corden, because the Rolling Stones wouldn't get in his car.
James Corden's Carpool Karaoke is the hottest thing in late night. There's apparently something irresistible about seeing entertainment legends singing in a car, and the host's charming cheerfulness doesn't hurt either. But Corden was much less jolly when confronted by TMZ's paparazzi in Los Angeles on Sunday.
They asked him about the rumors that the Rolling Stones had rejected his offer to appear on Carpool Karaoke, and he chose to play dumb. But it's not hard to see he was pissed off.
Are the rumors unfounded? Or did Corden's underlings choose not to tell him about the Rolling Stones debacle? Either way, it doesn't matter—everyone else wants to get in his car. The Stones are just too old to know about YouTube.
1. A burglar who tried to rob a man's house and got an arrow in the butt.
Australians don't mess around. One burglar learned that the hard way on Sunday afternoon when he tried to rob a couple's house in southwest Sydney. He'd filled up the couple's car with cash and personal items and was backing it out of the driveway when he was confronted by the man of the house, holding a compound bow.
Understandably terrified, the crook jumped out of the car and started running. He hopped a fence and got almost all the way back to his own car. But like a certain unfortunate Game of Thrones character, he didn't think to zag. The homeowner, a trained archer, stood on the home's fence, drew back his bow, and nailed the perp straight in the ass.
Remarkably, the skewered thief was still able to get in his Mazda Tribute and drive off. The New South Wales Police Force posted his description on Facebook to try and track him down. And he shouldn't be hard to find—if you're in the area, just keep an eye out for a blood-stained Mazda Tribute, or a man with an arrow sticking out of his butt. If you see something, say something.