5. Donald Trump, because his campaign is imploding like one of his casinos.
Somewhere in the labyrinthine penthouse of Trump Tower, Donald J. Trump is weeping into a taco bowl. The embattled Republican candidate had a very rough weekend after insiders leaked behind-the-scenes footage from a 2005 episode of Access Hollywood, in which Trump bragged to Billy Bush about assaulting women, saying that "when you're a star," they let you "grab them by the pussy."
After the news broke, high-ranking GOP leaders like John McCain and Arnold Schwarzenegger rescinded their support for Trump. He had one chance to turn things around: the second presidential debate on Sunday night. But he blew it, of course.
Trump seemed unhinged for the first part of the debate, prowling the stage menacingly behind Clinton and desperately trying to change the subject away from his pussy tape. In the second half, he leveled out, but pollsters largely agree that his performance is unlikely to help fish his campaign out of the toilet. And it's been in the toilet for weeks now. It's starting to get waterlogged.
4. Jimmy Fallon, because his lousy accent angered Philadelphia, the country's touchiest city.
In a segment on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update on Saturday, alums Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon returned to play Philadelphia housewives who were still undecided about the election. Fey, a Philly-area native, nailed her accent, while Fallon's quickly devolved into some kind of cockney-Cajun-mouthful-of-hoagie hybrid. Also, he couldn't stop giggling like he has for the past 20 years. But it was still pretty funny.
Afterward, Philadelphians got on Fallon's case like only they can.
Even Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney got involved.
But the ever-unflappable Fallon took it all in stride.
Here's a suggestion, Jimmy. Stop interviewing Trump.
3. Chris Brown, because Rihanna threw major shade at him and all her other exes.
More than three years after their contentious breakup, the relationship of pop stars Rihanna and Chris Brown continues to loom over both of them (mostly because he was a violent abuser, and people tend to remember that).
But since then, Rihanna's career and personal life have both eclipsed Brown's in a big way. And on Sunday, she rubbed salt in that wound by posting this vicious message to all of her exes on Instagram.
Ouch. And Brown isn't the only one nursing this burn. Rihanna has also been linked in the past to Leonardo DiCaprio and Travi$ Scott. She's currently dating Drake, who is presumably spared from this zinger. But his time will come.
2. Whoever installed this sliding door.
In the middle of an extremely depressing election cycle, a good DIY fail soothes the soul.
1. A fugitive who was caught because he couldn't resist a donut.
35-year-old Gregory Mendoza was arrested in Hobbs City, New Mexico last week after he was caught trying to shoplift a donut. Normally, that crime would not land a person any serious jail time—after all, everyone knows how tempting donuts are. But once he was brought in, police found out that Mendoza was a wanted fugitive accused of many serious, non-pastry-related crimes. The Hobbs News-Sun reports that these included:
…cruelty to animals, a third-degree felony; aggravated fleeing a law enforcement officer and criminal failure to appear, both fourth-degree felonies; concealing identity, drive while license revoked, driving while license suspended or revoked, three counts of criminal failure to appear, two counts of reckless driving, improper use of evidence of registration and resisting, evading or obstructing an officer, all misdemeanors; display of plates, driving on roadways laned for traffic, improper use of evidence of registration, two counts of obedience to traffic control device, seat belts, turning movements and required signals, all petty misdemeanors.
And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling donut. Let this be a lesson to would-be criminals out there: keep your sticky fingers off public sweets. If you really can't resist the taste of a donut, just lick it like Grande and move on.