5. Amy Schumer, because hundreds of right-wingers walked out of her show when she went after Trump.
Amy Schumer may have started her career as a club comic known for slinging out expertly-crafted blowjob jokes, but these days she's a major media figure who uses her platform to get political and spread awareness of real issues like sexual assault. Unfortunately, the audience at her show in Tampa on Sunday didn't know that.
The Tampa Bay Times reports that about 200 audience members started booing when Schumer began laying into Donald Trump, calling him an "orange, sexual-assaulting, fake-college-starting monster." The orange man's fans started booing her from the crowd, and Schumer asked security to allow one of them, "preferably one with sleeves," to come up onstage so she could interview him.
After that the booing increased, and Schumer invited everyone who was unhappy with her material to leave. So they did, by the hundreds. Afterward, many of them complained on social media.
Luisa Metallo has one thing wrong. In this election, turning on the news is the best way to get a laugh. No comedian can make up anything as funny as the crazy bullsh*t Trump actually says.
4. Apple CEO Tim Cook, because his self-driving car just drove into the sunset.
Sometimes it seems like the Apple/industrial complex is unstoppable. It's the most profitable company in the world, and its products are coveted in every corner of the globe. And unlike Samsung, its phones don't explode. But occasionally, there's a reminder that the nerd-gods of Apple can build a rock so big they can't move it. Case in point: the self-driving car.
Bloomberg reports that Apple's self-driving car program (the modestly-named Project Titan) has been gutted, with hundreds of its formerly 1,000 employees reassigned or laid off in recent months. Now it seems like the dream of an iCar is dead. Instead, the company will focus on making self-driving software to sell to auto manufacturers. That's a big downgrade from the dream of a slick, shiny, Apple-produced car with no headphone jack.
So how does Tim Cook feel about this disappointing development? We'll ask him if we can get a reporter inside the hyperbaric chamber deep within his Decision Yacht.
3. Beyoncé, because her earring got ripped out onstage.
If you've ever doubted what a warrior goddess queen Beyoncé is, look at this bloody moment and let your doubts disappear.
She wiped away the blood! Just like she wiped away Jay Z's cheating and made Lemonade. You can't hurt Bey. She just absorbs the pain and turns it into money.
This clip comes from Ms. Knowle's performance at a Tidal event in Brooklyn on Saturday. One of her complicated earrings got caught in her complicated braid and was ripped out of her ear. But she didn't stop singing, or wince, or react in any way to reveal that she had been injured. For her, the music is everything.
Long live Queen Bey. Literally. I don't think it's possible for her to die.
2. This woman whose tiny house was stolen.
Malinda Crichton is one of many people who jumped on the tiny house craze of the past few years. This self-employed musician sought to build her own itty-bitty, mobile home to avoid the hassle of rent and mortgage (and plumbing). But just when her human dollhouse was almost finished, she came home last week and found that her dream, and her house, had been stolen.
Luckily, Crichton found her home shortly after it was lifted. It turns out that tiny homes may be easy to steal (especially when they're only protected by a tiny padlock), but they're not so easy to hide. The home was stashed in a parking lot near where it had been taken.
Who could be the culprit? Another singer enamored with the tiny house trend? Or her landlord, who just wanted the eyesore off his property? One thing is clear: if the perp is ever identified, like it or not, we'll hear a song about it.
1. A guy who "saved" his neighbor's dog from an imaginary house fire while high on LSD.
43-year-old Michael Orchard of Halfmoon, NY was found by police standing like a big hero outside his neighbor's house last Thursday afternoon, holding his neighbor's dog. He told them he had just saved the dog from a blazing house fire, and couldn't understand why no one else had thought to help, or call the fire department, or congratulate him. Because he didn't realize the house wasn't on fire. Because he was tripping balls.
Orchard had made the unwise decision of mixing LSD with cough syrup, and the resulting hallucination convinced him his neighbor's house was engulfed in flames. He ran around the neighborhood banging on doors, but nobody would help. So he did what he had to do. He drove his BMW through his neighbor's fence, broke into the house, and grabbed the dog.
He was charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree criminal mischief. His bail was set at $15,000. Is that any way to treat a dog-saving hero? Sure he was imagining it, but nobody can doubt this whacked-out acidhead is brave.