5. Justin Bieber, because people hate his body.
Justin Bieber's upper body is now more ink than skin.
Over the weekend, the former teeny bopper showed the world that he ain't a "Baby" no more, and that his stomach now resembles a gothic cathedral or a Hell's Angels member's leather jacket.
He posted a still selfie, which also features a glimpse at his really messy countertop (who leaves a toothbrush plopped by the sink, and orange juice in the bathroom??? Orange juice and toothpaste? COME ON!).
Beliebers could hardly belieb it.
Please keep those mourning their view of Justin Bieber's six pack in your thoughts and prayers.
4. Donald Trump, because the dotard can't stop bashing a pregnant Gold Star widow.
President Donald Trump knows who his enemies are: ISIS. North Korea. A pregnant widow of a fallen soldier killed in Niger under mysterious circumstances.
Myeshia Johnson, the grieving widow of the Sgt. La David Johnson, spoke publicly about what Trump said on a phone call that he spent all of last week denying, even though his chief of staff John Kelly said that he said it while smearing Congresswoman Frederica Wilson in the process.
Johnson told George Stephanopoulos on Good Morning America that her phone call with the Commander in Chief left her feeling "very upset and hurt," for not only did Trump say, "he knew what he signed up for, but it hurts anyway," he forgot her husband's name.
He proceeded to call her a liar on Twitter, rather than show compassion or apologize when they could bash a suffering woman and weaponize their army of trolls against them! People are even spreading a fake Facebook post exonerating him, which is, in fact, fake.
Thus we enter into Day 8 of Trump turning his phone calls with Gold Star families into national controversies, rather than thanking them on behalf of a grateful nation for their sacrifice and investigating the circumstances in which Sgt. Johnson died, as his widow requested.
An interesting new comforting strategy for our increasingly uncomfortable times.
3. The Bills fan who set himself on fire.
A tailgaiting Buffalo Bills fan set himself on fire jumping over a flaming table because football is STILL a Great American Tradition.
Oh Marc, this is not what the kids mean when they say "it's lit."
The Bills mafioso was impressive enough to know how to stop, drop, and roll, immediately being his own firefighter, and not once dropping his douchey grin.
Hey people boycotting the NFL: this is the kind of prime entertainment you're missing, as fans try to emulate their favorite football players by doing something dumb and destructive to their own bodies.
2. The guy who got a ticket for singing "Everybody Dance Now."
Carpool karaoke has consequences.
A guy in Montreal, Tauofik Moalla, was passionately singing along to C+C Music Factory’s 1990 hit "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)" when he heard police sirens blaring and got pulled over by the police.
"I was thinking they wanted to pass, but they called on the speaker, ‘Please go to the right side,'" Moalla told CTV Montreal. "I stopped and four police came, two on each side, and checked the inside of the car. Then they asked me if I screamed. I said, ‘No, I was just singing.'"
The police asked for Moalla's license and registration and surprised him with a $149 ticket for screaming in public.
A Montreal bylaw dictates that "to cause disorder by screaming" disturbs "peace and tranquility" and "can be punishable by a fine of $50 to $1,000 for a first offence and $100 to $2,000 for subsequent infractions."
"I don’t know if my voice was very bad and that’s why I got the ticket, but I was very shocked," Moalla elaborated. "I understand if they are doing their job, they are allowed to check if everything’s okay, if I kidnapped someone or if there’s danger inside but I would never expect they would give me a ticket for that."
"But hey, at least kidnappers are subtle," a police officer presumably thought.
Moalla plans on contesting his ticket in court simply by just explaining how he got it.
And the most shocking part? It turns out that the song known as "Everybody Dance Now" is actually called "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)."
1. The drunken Brit who got "Taiwan" tattooed on his face.
Paul, a 32-year-old British guy living in Taiwan, got in such a heated argument about Taiwanese independence from China over beers that he strutted into the nearest tattoo parlor and asked for his view on his face.
The Taiwan independence enthusiast got the East Asian island's name in massive letters on his forehead and the Taiwanese independence flag on his chin.
"My wife doesn't like it. She's very angry," Paul told local press, according to LADBIBLE. "I love Taiwan. That's why I did this. But I wouldn't have done this had I not been drunk."
The Brit has been living in Taiwan for over ten years, and his wife is Taiwanese.
Wei Cheng, the tattoo artist responsible for this masterpiece, insists that he didn't take advantage of Paul's drunken state.
Cheng insists that he grilled Paul if he was sure about the face tatt, and that Paul replied, "I love Taiwan. Tattoo it on my face."
It would cost Paul upwards of $10,000 to get his Taiwanese pride removed from his face, but the looks of contempt from his wife? Priceless.