5. Paul Manafort, because the mofo has been indicted on 12 counts including Conspiracy Against the United States.
'Tis the treason. Paul Manafort—who ran the Trump campaign through critical moments like the Republican National Convention—has surrendered himself to the FBI.
Along with his deputy Rick Gates, Manafort was indicted on charges of "conspiracy against the United States, conspiracy to launder money, unregistered agent of a foreign principal, false and misleading FARA statements, false statements, and seven counts of failure to file reports of foreign bank and financial accounts."
TL;DR The President of the United States had a campaign manager who is an alleged foreign agent and also laundered millions of dollars, with schemes which included laundering over a million through a damn rug store.
Needless to say, this is a big f*cking deal, and the president—likely under investigation for obstruction of justice himself—is reacting in a calculated manner under the advice of his attorneys.
"NO COLLUSION!" you say?
Manafort faces up to 40 years in prison if he's found guilty on all counts, but who knows, maybe (hopefully) he'll flippin' flip on Trump for a reduced sentence.
Merry Muellermas to all and to all a good night!
4. The other George Papadopoulos who just happens to have the same name as a Trump foreign policy advisor who plead guilty.
Another Trump campaign official, George Papadopoulos, is in the news today, and this time, for officially pleading guilty to making false statements to the FBI.
As stated by The New York Times, "The plea represents the most explicit evidence connecting the Trump campaign to the Russian government’s meddling in last year’s election."
Papadopoulos's gig on the campaign included trying to arrange a meeting with Russian government officials to, like Donald Junior's notorious hang, get "dirt" on Hillary Clinton. Papadopoulos told FBI investigators that a professor he met for dirt was merely a Russian national, but in reality the professor had ties to the Russian government, according to court papers released today.
Today would be a really bad Monday on which to be George Papadopoulos, but court documents show that his reckoning happened way back during the summer, and he appears to be cooperating with Mueller's agents.
The real sh*tty Monday is being had by the other George Papadopoulos, who is a financial planner in Novi, Michigan, NOT a Trump advisor, okay?
Michigan George is having a tricky day online.
3. Kevin Spacey, because people see right through his deflection and his career is collapsing like a...house of cards.
Kevin Spacey is being criticized from the cynical use of coming out of the closet to shift peoples' attention from the disturbing allegations against him.
Actor Anthony Rapp alleged in an interview with BuzzFeed that Spacey tried to seduce him when he was only 14 years old, and Spacey was 26.
Spacey and his public relations crisis crew reacted to the allegations by officially coming out of the closet, attempting to shift the conversation away from alleged pedophilia to one about homosexuality, which really isn't fair when thousands of bigots conflate the two.
Hollywood and LGBT activists are upset with the statement, calling out the obvious ploy on Twitter.
GLAAD president and CEO Sarah Kate Ellis expressed her disappointment in the statement and called on the media to stay focused.
This isn't a coming out story about Spacey, but a story of survivorship by Anthony Rapp & those who speak out about unwanted sexual advances— Sarah Kate Ellis (@sarahkateellis) October 30, 2017
The media and public should not gloss over that.— Sarah Kate Ellis (@sarahkateellis) October 30, 2017
People are calling on Netflix to cancel Spacey's show House of Cards, or do us all a favor and make it about Robin Wright.
Please, Hollywood, for the sake of humanity, and for the sake of getting to enjoy film and TV guilt-free, please stop committing and enabling sexual assault.
That goes for everyone in every other industry, too.
2. The Wisconsin man arrested for drinking beer after being locked in a convenience store cooler.
If you were locked in a cooler you'd think it would be cool to crack open a few cold ones, right? Wrong.
Jeremy Van Ert, 38, or Marshfield, Wisconsin went to a local Kwik Trip convenience store at midnight to pick up some brewskis when, according to Fox 5, he stepped to far into the walk-in cooler and its lock automatically engaged.
The police report states that Van Ert, in the strange, cold captivity, "drank an 18-ounce bottle of Icehouse beer and three cans of Four Loko." So yeah, he likely peed all over the cans too, which tastes no different from what's inside them.
Van Ert was rescued at 6 AM when a customer finally noticed him and alerted the store workers.
"This is unique, I've been here twenty years. I've heard of people being locked inside of buildings, never inside of a beer cooler or a beer cave," Police Chief Rick Gramza said. of the case. "There's things Mr. Van Ert that could have done to remedy the situation as well, knocking on the glass door."
Van Ert was accused of running out of the store after being rescued and was later arrested by police on theft charges.
Fox 5 also reports that he was held in the Wood County jail on a probation hold "from an unrelated case," the conditions of that probation demanding he remain sober and outside of all coolers.
1. The woman whose World Series home run ball got snatched.
What's baseball tradition is also a powerful visual metaphor for the female experience.
The rules of baseball dictate that one does not simply keep a visiting team's home run ball, even if it's the ball that set the record for most homers in a World Series. The woman could have thrown the ball back herself, make a killing on eBay or hand it off to the Hall of Fame, but no, the man just had to intervene.
The pitcher has no regrets—there's no crying in baseball.