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5. Hillary Clinton, because here we go again with the damn emails.

Her face when she heard the word "emails."
Her face when she heard the word "emails."
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Just when Hillary Clinton thought she had this election in the bag, the Ghost of Emails Past came back to haunt her once again. On Friday, FBI Director James Comey released a letter explaining that his office was resuming its investigation into Clinton's use of a private email server while she was secretary of state, based on new evidence found in the laptop of her aide Huma Abedin.

Of course, this story is very complex—there's no evidence these emails implicate Clinton, which were found while investigating Abedin's estranged husband Anthony Weiner for sexting with a teenager. Also, Comey suspiciously broke FBI protocol and angered half of Washington by releasing the letter, which many suspect is an effort to give Clinton's opponent Donald Trump a much-needed last-minute boost.

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And speaking of Trump, he and his supporters are as happy as pigs in mud.

He couldn't be more excited if he were barging into a dressing room full of naked pageant contestants. Meanwhile, his supporters flooded Twitter with the hashtag #HillaryForPrision, a deliberate misspelling after Twitter blocked the "prison" version from appearing among its trending topics.

This election just keeps getting weirder, and no one knows what will happen next. But everyone knows what will happen on November 8. #HillaryForPresidient.

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4. Mariah Carey, because her billionaire ex-fiancé wants her out of the house.

"Psst… get the hell out of my house."
"Psst… get the hell out of my house."
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The breakup between America's most glamorous and terrifying diva, Mariah Carey, and Australia's handsomest billionaire, James Packer, continues to shatter the globe. We are all ants to be crushed in the fallout of their battle.

TMZ reports that Packer has ordered Carey to vacate the LA mansion that they shared, but he's forgetting on thing: nobody tells Mimi what to do. She has refused to leave, insisting that if he wants her gone, he has to buy her another mansion for her and her kids to live in. It's unclear if the mansion would count as part of the $50 million settlement she wants from Packer, which she claims she deserves because she moved her family to LA to be with him, and because she had to cancel a leg of her tour to deal with this heartbreak.

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Is $50 million too much to pay someone you never married? Not if she's Mariah Carey. It just seems natural that she gets this kind of treatment. I'm fighting the urge to give her all my money right now.


3. Hilary Duff, because she and her boyfriend wore a couples Halloween costume that was seriously un-PC.

Every Halloween, it's the same story: some celebrity dresses up in a ridiculous "Indian" costume, Native Americans and others who know better get pissed at them, and they're forced to apologize. But they never learn their lesson. This year, it's Hilary Duff and her boyfriend Jason Walsh. Check out the costumes they wore to the Casamigos Halloween Party in Beverly Hills on Friday.

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*single tear*
*single tear*
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The outrage was immediate. Both Duff and Walsh responded quickly, trying to bury the hatchet (sorry) before they were demonized by the media.

Now if only real pilgrims would apologize for smallpox.


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2. A referee who had to kick a dildo off a football field.

Unlike other sports professionals, referees have no desire for fame. When they're doing their job right, you barely notice them. So it's a ref's worst nightmare to go viral on the internet for having to handle a sex toy in the middle of the game. But that's exactly what happened at the Bills/Patriots game at New Era Field on Sunday.

Luckily, referee Keith Washington is a pro. He dispatched the rogue dildo with speed and gravitas.

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You can't blame him for not wanting to touch it. Who knows where it's been?


1. A pet store owner who was ripped off for $7,000 worth of snakes.

Posted by Macarthur Pets on Saturday, October 29, 2016

Macarthur Pets in greater Sydney, Australia has the opposite problem as the rest of Australia: not enough snakes. Around 6:30 AM Sunday morning, a masked bandito raided the store and made off with eight snakes, including the store's mascot, a rare albino carpet python named Everest. A security camera caught the snakenapper stuffing the poor reptiles into a bag and taking off.

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Posted by Macarthur Pets on Saturday, October 29, 2016

Now the store, and the community, are in despair. Without Everest, Macarthur Pets has lost its spirit. In a desperate Facebook post, management offered a $1,000 reward for any information leading to the recovery of the big white snake, as well as the arrest of the "scumbag" responsible.

Store owner Fred Deveney believes this thief was no amateur, but a skilled snake-cat-burglar who knew the value of what he was after, and who was familiar with the store itself. He told the Macarthur Chronicle:

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The person knew what they were looking for because they went straight to the reptile tanks … I've contacted the RSPCA because I'm concerned about the animal welfare issue of putting some smaller snakes in with larger snakes.

If he isn't caught, this snake thief better keep looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. You don't want to mess with the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. They have their own snakes.