5. Kevin Spacey, because the Emmys snubbed him big time.
Last night was the 68th annual Emmy Awards, that yearly celebration of all the TV shows your annoying friends keep telling you to watch. But one of Hollywood's most hyped shows was thrown onto the metaphorical subway tracks: the Netflix political drama House of Cards, which was nominated for 13 awards but won a big fat zero.
What's more, the show's leads, Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, have still never won for their roles as Frank and Claire Underwood. But we're including Spacey and not Wright in this list because it just seems like it would bother him more, doesn't it? That guy takes himself too seriously. Better luck next year, Mr. Spacey. (You're a shoo-in if they add a category for Worst Accent.)
4. Beyoncé, because she lost to something only your parents watched.
Beyoncé's epic revenge musical Lemonade was also snubbed at the Emmys in its only nomination: Outstanding Directing for a Variety Special. (Why is there no category for Fiercest Kween?) The winner was Grease: Live, which doesn't exactly cater to the same fan base. And speaking of fan bases, the Beyhive was none too happy.
Even host Jimmy Kimmel got in on the fun, commenting after the Grease directors' acceptance speech: "I wouldn’t want to be those guys when Kanye finds out they beat Beyoncé." If there's any consolation for Queen Bey's millions of violently loyal fans, it's that she probably doesn't care at all.
3. Richard Dreyfuss, because everyone thought he was dead.
If you missed last night's Emmys and you only have time in your day to watch one clip, make it Julia Louis-Dreyfus' acceptance speech. In the space of 90 seconds, Louis-Dreyfus managed to be gracious, hilarious, political, and personal. The most moving moment was the end, when she teared up in paying tribute to her father, who passed away two days prior.
But while her father, Gérard Louis-Dreyfus, clearly meant the world to her, that does not mean he's the same person as legendary actor Richard Dreyfus. A lot of people don't know that. So many, in fact, that the Jaws star was forced to explain that he's still alive on Twitter.
OK, Mr. Holland, we believe you… for now.
2. A foul-mouthed teacher who was fired for burning a student with a tremendous fart joke.
Jennifer Elizabeth Green-Johnson, a secondary school English teacher in Dunnville, Ontario, was recently suspended without pay after a series of complaints that she had used foul language in front of students.
The first dates to March 2015, when Green-Johnson slapped a male student on the head and told him to "grow some balls." Since then, she's allegedly called another student a "bloody pedophile" and told another they were dressed like a "frumpy old lady."
But the suspension didn't come until this edgy, take-no-prisoners teacher got particularly angry at one student and said, "Why don't you lick me where I fart?"
After that hilariously salty outburst, the school board voted to suspend Green-Johnson for a month. You can't help but wonder what she said to that.
1. An Australian woman who was trying to eat an orange when a giant snake popped out of her couch.
A Calavos, Queensland man named Bruce Moller is blowing up Facebook with a couple of photos of a huge python he found in his house. Or, to be more accurate, a python that his wife, Fay, found in the house. When it jumped out of the couch she was sitting on.
Bruce told Sunshine Coast Daily:
He went under the lounge chair so I prodded him with a broom and when he came out just put the wide broom across its back near the head and grabbed it behind the head … I took him out in the backyard and threw him back in the garden.
This dude seems entirely too comfortable with giant snakes. Maybe that comes with living in rural Australia, a post-apocalyptic wasteland ruled by snakes and spiders. His wife, on the other hand, is probably scarred for life.