5. Donald Trump, because the jocks are united against him.
In the midst of trying to take healthcare away and Americans in Puerto Rico suffering without power, Donald Trump decided to do what he does best and get his angry white base to rally against people of color. This week's victim of Trump and co's "economic anxiety" are the football players who protest police brutality on the field, who Trump very Trumpily called "sons of bitches" who "should be fired" at a rally in Alabama.
Trump's attempt to intimidate NFL players peacefully exercising their first amendment rights beautifully backfired, as athletes across the league (and now in the MLB!) stood together in solidarity by kneeling.
On football fields across the country, NFL players, coaches, and team owners showed Trump they would not be bullied into giving up their constitutional rights.
Teams like the Titans and the Seahawks didn't take the field.
Over ten Patriots lived up to their name.
Many Dolphins wore "I'm With Kap" shirts in support of Colin Kaepernick.
This morning, President Snowflake kept on ranting on Twitter, trying to frame them as traitors to America and her flag.
Bro doesn't even understand that NFL players aren't protesting the anthem, they're protesting police brutality. That's like saying hunger strikes are against food.
Trump thought that yelling at sports peoples would make him seem Brave and Strong, but rather made civil rights heroes out of professional ball throwers. And to add insult to injury, athletes are even beating Trump in the game that matters to him most: Twitter likes.
LeBron James's response to Trump disinviting Steph Curry from the White House has over 1.4 million likes, which is more popular than any tweet the president has ever written.
Even Tom Brady, who is friends with Trump, is not on-board with the president demonizing his teammates.
The league, on whole, is rebuking Trump. Look at this inspirational PSA. The NFL is good now?
Now that's a touchdown.
4. Anthony Weiner, because he's going to prison.
Former congressman and sexual deviant Anthony Weiner has been sentenced to 21 months in prison for sexting with a 15-year-old girl, a crime that's gross and bad and not funny even though his name is Weiner.
But what is funny, in a "ha ha everything is terrible" kind of way, is that it was the feds' investigation into Weiner that lead them to the emails of his wife, Hillary BFF and aide Huma Abedin, which lead to the FBI reopening the probe into Clinton's private email server, which lead to James Comey sending a letter to Congress, which according to statistician extraordinaire Nate Silver, lead to her losing the election.
It was the downfall of one pervert that led to the rise of another. What a world!
"Weiner, a grown man, a father, and a former lawmaker, willfully and knowingly asked a 15-year-old girl to display her body and engage in sexually explicit conduct for him online," prosecutors wrote, according to The Daily Beast. "Such conduct warrants a meaningful sentence of incarceration."
Weiner will also have to register as a sex offender, and is expected to surrender himself to prison on November 6th, just on the eve of the electionaversary.
Thanks, perverts.
3. Tyga, because his ex-girlfriend Kylie Jenner is pregnant with someone else's money.
It's been three days since the world was rocked with the TMZ report that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. The 20-year-old lip enlargement entrepreneur is rumored to be hosting a fetus who is the joint venture between her and boyfriend Travis Scott. Jenner's ex-boyfriend Tyga is apparently jealous of the couple, Snapchatting and deleting that it might be his baby.
Seriously, this case needs to get on Maury, stat.
That may very well be a joke—it's hard to tell if famous people have senses of humor—but it can't be easy to see a lucrative opportunity love pass you by.
At least Tyga already has a kid with a Kardashian-adjacent figure, Blac Chyna, mother of Dream Kardashian.
2. The stoners who got so stoned on a mountain they couldn't get down.
Woah, dude.
Over the weekend, four hikers made it to the top of Scafell Pike in Cumbria's Lake District, the highest peak in England—and they managed to get even higher.
The climbers celebrated reaching the top of the mountain with some weed, and according to the Cumbria Police, found themselves "incapacitated" from the cannabis, "incapable of walking."
The police ended up having to dispatch a rescue team to get them down, who the police passive-aggressively noted were "putting themselves at risk to prevent harm."
Damn, that's embarrassing. It's a good thing they were probably too stoned to be able to remember the episode.
1. The FEMA social media person who accidentally tweeted out a number for a phone sex line.
The Miami Herald reports that people whose roofs were wrecked by hurricane Irma were given a number to a line that would only make things wetter, not better.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency’s Region 4 office told people to call 1-800-ROOF-BLU, which rather than direct them to the Operation Blue Roof efforts to distribute hardy blue tarps across Southern Florida, ttey heard, "Welcome to America’s hottest talk line. Guys, hot ladies are waiting to talk to you. Press ‘1’ to connect, free, now."
The number they meant to send out was 1-888-ROOF-BLU, which is the one they're publicizing now.
FEMA Region 4 took down the 1-800 tweet, but not before confused people were offered the different type of hands-on service.
The person responsible for the mistake is likely calling 1-800-ROOF-BLU for comfort right about now.