In a world that is truly awful, it's important to take a moment and recognize those who at least attempted to make it just a little less awful:
1. Kanye West for asking Taylor Swift on a dinner date to finally try and make up for the fact that he's Kanye West.
Kanye West and Taylor Swift met at a gastropub in NYC this week. They broke bread, and squashed the beef. It's too bad that Taylor Swift has already become so powerful that she's forgotten whatever incident Kanye West was there to apologize for. Poor little Kanye still believes that he has any control over Taylor Swift's ability to snap her fingers and destroy any of us at any moment. Points for thinking he could make a difference, though.
2. Walmart CEO C. Douglas McMillon for raising the base salary for new employees to a whopping $9/hour.
The CEO of Walmart announced that new employees would have a starting salary of $9 an hour. Finally, a CEO has proven he's not out of touch with the common- oh wait, sorry. I just did the math and that means a full-time employee only makes $18,720 a year. It's cute that McMillon wants to help the people who actually struggle run his business every day, but he might as well just give every employee a free Zune for their trouble. At least he pretended to care. Good thing Amazon will soon be the only retail store in the world and we won't have to worry about this kind of thing!
3. Apple CEO Tim Cook for getting into the car-making business.
Apple has been secretly developing an Apple Car that will hopefully hit the market by 2020. What a shame that everyone who knows how to drive will be dead from texting on their iPhone and driving.
4. President Barack Obama for attempting to speak like an adult while talking about fighting ISIS.
President Obama claimed this week that America is at war with those who pervert Islam. Instead of saying something awful and inflammatory about a religion followed by a billion people on this Earth, the leader of the free world stupidly decided not to yell about Muslims like a warmongering barbarian. He (LOL!) instead addressed the world's problems with a little nuance. Hahaha! Doesn't he know we can't understand anything unless it sounds like a caveman yelled it? Nice try, though, Mr. President. Next time, set an ISIS flag on fire and give everyone the finger while Ted Nugent plays in the background of your speech. People still won't listen.
5. Chuck Lorre for trying to get back at the indestructible Charlie Sheen.
The finale of Two and a Half Men aired this week, and the show's creator Chuck Lorre decided to spend the episode ripping apart Charlie Sheen, even dropping a piano on his character's head. Alas, writing jokes about Charlie Sheen or even using a Looney Tunes-style gag will never stop Charlie Sheen. His skin is too thick, his veins too full of tiger blood. Nothing can stop him from being the way he is, or his inevitable election as President of the United States of America in 2020.