1. Flying spiders are a real thing now, not just the premise of the latest Michael Bay movie.
According a study published Wednesday in Journal of the Royal Society Interface, large arachnids who live in the American tropics can glide with more agility than cats. They're known as "flatties," since their flat body helps them glide, probably into your face while you're sleeping. Scientists tested their abilities by dropping them from tall trees. Some could navigate their way to nearby trees after falling just 13 feet. In other words, run for your lives.
2. Lightning came down from the heavens and shat all over an airplane minding its own business.
Being in an airplane on the ground is also scary now. Lightning struck a Boeing 737 that was just chilling at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport on Tuesday. A guy inadvertently filmed it on his phone while making a weather report for his wife, and this still shot at the moment of impact will probably mean the makers of Xanax can buy a new yacht this year.
3. A 15-year-old prank presidential candidate is more inspiring than any real presidential candidates.
Brady Olson from Wallingford, Iowa, is running for president under the name "Deez Nuts," and he's actually doing pretty well in comparison to other candidates. You can check out his official website here, where he lays out his libertarian party platform, which is actually pretty consistent and well-thought-out for a meme who is trying to run our country. Even though he knows it's silly, he'll take the joke "[a]s far as America wants to take it." If things keep going the way they're going now, it looks like that's pretty damn far.
GOD: Hey just checking in how is Earth going EARTH: There is a person named Deez Nuts running for p— GOD: Cool just gonna head back upstairs— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) August 20, 2015
4. Dolphins are the latest addition to the list of things that are invading your privacy.
According to a Palestinian newspaper, Hamas caught a dolphin "outfitted with a camera and an underwater monitoring device capable of firing small arrows" off the coast of the Gaza Strip. They're accusing the Israeli government of spying on them, and have also accused them of using sharks, squirrels, and vultures in order to spy. Animals have historically been used by countries for espionage, so it is possible. Is this a Zionist conspiracy? Is Austin Powers becoming real life? Or did Hamas catch a dolphin who just happens to be an archery/photography hobbyist?
5. You can now discharge high speed lead projectiles and have a beer at the same establishment.
Volusia Top Gun in Daytona Beach, Florida was approved the city commissioner to serve alcohol at their gun range's restaurant. It's only for people who want to drink after shooting, but still, any combination of guns and alcohol is a bad combination.