1. Selena Gomez Lives Out Every 21-Year-Old's Dream Of Firing Their Parents
Actress and singer Selena Gomez has reportedly fired her parents Mandy and Brian Teefey, who had served as her co-managers since she first found success with Disney as a child. She is apparently currently looking for more suitable representation to guide her through the coming naked Instagram phase of her career.
Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are two different people?— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) March 26, 2014
2. Beyoncé Under Fire For Photoshopping Away Evidence Of Her Human Mortality
R&B singer Beyoncé uploaded several images from a recent vacation to her Instagram account, several of which appear to have been poorly Photoshopped to give the impression that she has both a pronounced gap between her thighs and legs are kind of weird-looking. Many fans are deeply disillusioned that such a big star would fret about body image issues like this and are also adorably naive.
So Beyonce photoshopped a thigh gap into her instagram pic. You know, just in case you were feeling empowered today. pic.twitter.com/bmghxkICBu— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) April 11, 2014
3. The Lord Almighty Apparently Has Some Serious Credit Issues
A Brooklyn man named God Gazarov has filed a lawsuit against the credit-reporting agency Equifax, because they got him confused with another entity named God, who has no financial history according to their records. This other God guy seems to be some sort of all-powerful deity who can simply create universes out of nothingness and, as such, has little need for money.
If God doesn't exist, who told Mount Rushmore to erode into those dudes' faces?— Avery Edison (@aedison) April 11, 2014
4. Hundreds Of College Girls Are Following Duke Porn Star Into The Glamorous World Of Being Reviled For Their Sexuality
Say what you will about Belle Knox—the Duke University student whose life has been a chaotic mess of celebrity and vilification since she was outed for attempting to work her way through college as a pornographic actress—but she's been a role model for many women her age who are apparently attempting to follow her lead and make their way through school on the back of men's insatiable desire to look at boobs.
If I were a stripper I'd be like I'm not taking off this snow suit bc you guys are disgusting pigs but I will take that dollar bill thank u— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 7, 2014
5. El Niño Is Coming To Make This Year's Weather Even More Ridiculous
Now that the Polar Vortex and the seemingly 17-year-long winter appear to have passed us by, we can all get ready for the unpleasantly warm and insanely stormy weather that the upcoming El Niño meteorological phenomenon is certain to bring. Happy 2014, everyone!
I swear to God the weather man just said, "Another sunny day in L.A. except for you Matt Dwyer. You get all gloom.— Matt_Dwyer (@Matt_Dwyer) April 8, 2014