1. Turns Out Cookie Monster Is Also A Sex-Offense Monster

Iconic pastry-obsessed muppet Cookie Monster—or possibly a person dressed as him—was arrested in Times Square over the weekend after allegedly feeling up a teenaged tourist. Considering his legendary impulse control issues, this is probably something we should have seen coming.

2. Science: Near-Death Experiences Continue To Not Be Real

According to a new study from the University of Michigan, so-called "near-death experiences"—in which people feel their spirits floating peacefully above their bodies or witness deceased loved ones coming to take them away to a better place—are mere hallucinations that result from the brain's attempts to speed up the heart's final actions so that the body can get on with decaying into nothingness in the cold, dark ground. Isn't science beautiful?