5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 22, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 22, 2015
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1. Sandra Bullock Begins Her One Year Reign As 'World's Most Beautiful Woman'

People Magazine announced today that it has chosen actress Sandra Bullock to serve humanity as its most attractive female specimen for one year. She takes over for actress Lupita Nyong'o, who received the same honor last year but has now been relegated to un-noteworthy banality along with the rest of us.


2. Ben Affleck Admits Embarrassment Over His Ancestors Owning Other People's Ancestors

Actor/director Ben Affleck has apologized for asking PBS to hide the fact that his ancestors were slave-owners on the show, Finding Your Roots. "I regret my initial thoughts that the issue of slavery not be included in the story. We deserve neither credit nor blame for our ancestors," he wrote on Facebook yesterday. "While I don't like that the guy is an ancestor, I am happy that aspect of our country's history is being talked about." Luckily for him, he is still blissfully unaware of the countless stream of murderers, rapists and moral reprobates that make up the vast lineage of our shared human ancestry.


3. Dr. Oz Promises To Continue Slinging Lucrative Bullshit In The Face Of All Evidence And Reason

Dr. Oz is promising his television audience that he will not give up the hugely successful money-making scheme that has made him a national celebrity in the wake of ten doctors signing a petition for Columbia University to fire him. "I vow to you right here and right now," he told the cameras, "we will not be silenced, we will not give in." Brave, brave words for an rich, rich man.


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4. NSA Unleashes Horrifying Anthropomorphic Recycling Bin Golem Upon The World

The National Security Agency has just unveiled Dunk, the bright blue, muscular human/plastic bin hybrid that will be serving as its recycling mascot. When it's not encouraging students to toss their spent water bottles into specifically marked recycling receptacles, he will presumably be sent off to break legs and gather information for the federal agency. Beware of Dunk; he feels neither pain nor remorse.

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5. Kraft Caves To Pressure From Internet Moron To Make Its Mac & Cheese Resemble Food

Kraft has announced that it will be discontinuing the use of the food dye that has been giving its macaroni and cheese its distinctive terrifyingly bright orange hue for the past eight decades, which would seem to be a good thing. However, the recipe change seems to be due in part to the efforts of Vani "The Food Babe" Hari, a blogger with no understanding of science, but an immense understanding of self-publicity, which seems to be a bad thing. Honestly, I don't care, just so long as I can continue jamming shovelfuls of the stuff into my face for dinner every time my wife is out of town.

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