5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 24, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 24, 2015
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 24, 2015

1. Comcast Hangs Up In Frustration After Getting Terrible Service From FCC

Yesterday's speculation that the impending Comcast-Time Warner Merger was in danger of falling apart due to reservations from the FCC has turned out to be right on the money. "Today, we move on," Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts said in a statement. "I couldn't be more proud of this company and I am truly excited for what's next." What's next is almost certainly revenge upon society for not lying down before its ultimate overlord, but in what form that revenge will come remains to be seen.


2. Poll: Only 40 Percent Of Americans Will Be Bummed Out By SCOTUS Legalizing Gay Marriage

Only about two-in-five U.S. citizens will idiotically believe that the sanctity of their marriage is being destroyed when the U.S. Supreme court almost certainly decides to legalize gay marriage across the according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll and ABC News. This is the lowest percentage of ridiculous opinions on this matter that has been found to date.

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3. Bobby Jindal Promises To Hate Gay Marriage Forever And Ever No Matter What

In an extremely silly and unnecessary op-ed voluntarily written for the New York Times, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal announced to the world that he is proudly standing in opposition to history, mounting public opinion and probably federal law by opposing the right of one male taxpaying U.S. citizen that he does not know to marry another male taxpaying U.S. citizen. "I hold the view that has been the consensus in our country for over two centuries: that marriage is between one man and one woman, he wrote. "I will not change my faith-driven view on this matter, even if it becomes a minority opinion." A gesture of dumbness of this magnitude must mean he's nearly ready to officially announce his presidential ambitions.

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4. Netflix Defends Adam Sandler's Right To Make Lazy, Possibly Racist Jokes With Its Money

Netflix is not going to let a handful of Native American extras and crew members—who seem to have recently discovered that Adam Sandler movies are offensive in multiple senses of the word—put a kink in their plans to bring original Sandler context to the masses via their streaming service. "The movie has ridiculous in the title for a reason: because it is ridiculous. It is a broad satire of Western movies and the stereotypes they popularized, featuring a diverse cast that is not only part of—but in on—the joke," a Netflix spokesperson said in a statement to ABC news. This statement is about as respectful to the word "satire" as the movie seems to be to the culture of the Apache people.

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5. All The Thrust-Squats In The World Isn't Going To Change The Fact That You Smeared Nutella On A Burrito Last Night

Regular and rigorous exercise really isn't going to do much for your giant gut or big butt if you're heading home and following it up with a pizza and six-pack, according to an article recently published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. "Regular physical activity reduces the risk of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, dementia and some cancers by at least 30%. However, physical activity does not promote weight loss," the authors write. "You cannot outrun a bad diet." See?! I've been telling my wife for weeks that exercise is useless. Now maybe she'll leave me alone and let me watch Daredevil in peace.

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