5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 27, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 27, 2015
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1. Lady Who Will Probably Wake Up In A Shallow Grave Handed The Clintons Another Scandal

Clinton Foundation Chief Executive Officer Maura Pally admitted yesterday that the charity made mistakes concerning the way it listed government donors on its 2014 tax returns and will be refiling to amend the error. What cannot be amended however is the fact that this opened the door for Hillary Clinton's second scandal of the 2016 election cycle. Expect 30 or 40 more before Christmas.


2. Chipotle Will No Longer Serve Food Made From Genetically Mutated Monster-Beasts

Chipotle has just become the first major restaurant chain to discontinue the use of GMOs (genetically modified organisms) in its products. This is kind of a bummer, actually. I was a big fan of their Pegasus carnitas.


3. Apple Denying Smart Watch Owners Their God-Given Rights To Fart Apps

Apple is rejecting the inclusion of an app called Fart Watch in the iTunes store for its new Apple Watch. The very important app—which connects your iPhone and smart watch to create a sort of high-tech whoopee cushion—was rejected because, according to Apple, it "is primarily a fart app" and "we do not accept fart apps on Apple Watch." See, I knew there was a reason to hold off on buying the Apple Watch.

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4. Jay-Z Has A Lot Of Good Explanations For Why His Terrible Music Service Is So Great

Hip-hop mogul Jay-Z explained during a series of tweets last night that his unpopular and critically panned music streaming service Tidal is actually quite popular and very good. If you've heard otherwise, that's only because, according to the rapper, “There are many big companies that are spending millions on a smear campaign." Jay-Z is probably cursing himself for getting in bed with the Illuminati now.

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5. Today's Babies Falling Out Of The Womb With Smart Phones In Their Hands (Practically)

New research shows that many babies today are watching television, interacting with smart phones and using other electronic devices before they are even able to crawl. More than half of the babies studied had watched TV before the age of one and one-third had manipulated a touch screen. If one of these infants is reading this, please get in contact with me. I need some help getting my photos off my iPhone.

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