5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 3, 2015

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - April 3, 2015
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1. Congress Demands Opportunity To Sink U.S.-Iran Nuclear Deal

Members of Congress, angered by the declined opportunity for a brand new war, are demanding an opportunity to go comb through the U.S.-Iran nuclear deal looking for things to complain about on Fox News. "We want the right to go through the details of the deal and to decide whether we believe congressionally mandated sanctions should be alleviated," Sen. Bob Corker told the New York Times.


2. President Obama Has Yet To Visit The Lesser Dakota

Now that Barack Obama has visited Hill Air Force base in Utah, the only state in the union that the President has not visited is South Dakota. We can only assume that this is due to the deep shame that he would feel as the four great presidents of Mount Rushmore looked down upon him.


3. Parents Should Institute A Campaign Of 'Shock And Awe' On Their Infant Children

Being surprised by unexpected events helps infants to better understand the world around them, according to researchers at Johns Hopkins University. Observed objects that "violate expectations"—such as a rolling ball being stopped short by a barely visible screen—make the child see the world in a different way and stimulate their brains. "Infants who saw the surprising event—the ball that passed through the wall—learned this new information very efficiently," researcher Aimee Stahl told the Los Angeles Times.

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4. The World Enters First Stages Of Grief For 'Mad Men'

AMC's Mad Men returns for the second half of its final season this Sunday night, which is both terrible and amazing news. Terrible because it marks the beginning of the end of one of the greatest dramas in television history and amazing because we get to see whiny TV critics clamoring over one another to write the saddest think piece.

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5. Netflix Is Bringing Back 'Full House' To Ease Our 'Mad Men'-Related Pain

Netflix has announced that it has ordered 13 episodes of Fuller House, a multi-camera spinoff of Full House, a '90s-era sitcom that somehow attained cultural significance despite its general lack of quality or originality. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who both portrayed the youngest household member Michelle Tanner, are not involved, as they are way too rich to get involved with this kind of bullshit.

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