1. Bernie Sanders Tells America Not To Underestimate His Hopeless, Symbolic Presidential Campaign
Independent Sen. Bernie Sanders—whom I'm pretty sure doesn't actually think he has any greater chance of betting Hillary Clinton in 2016 than the rest of us do—warned America not to belittle his presidential campaign because he kind of has to. "People should not underestimate me," Sanders said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I've run outside of the two-party system, defeating Democrats and Republicans, taking on big-money candidates and, you know, I think the message that has resonated in Vermont is a message that can resonate all over this country." Anyway, he should be fun.
The only people interested in the news that Bernie Sanders is running for president is the wig department at "SNL."— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) April 28, 2015
2. Jay-Z To Hold Concert For People Who Accidentally Subscribed To 'Tidal'
Jay-Z has promised to perform in "exclusive concerts" for people who sign up for his new music streaming service Tidal. Seems like he's really gunning for the people who can't figure out how to unsubscribe from music services market.
Jay Z in fully Crazy Eddie mode right now.— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) April 26, 2015
3. Science Creates Intelligent Bullet—Humanity Begins Tidying Up Its Affairs
The Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has apparently developed a type of bullet that is able to change course in mid-air in order to better hit a moving target or to potentially seek revenge against its cruel human master who pointlessly fired its entire family into brick wall for no apparent reason earlier in the week.
Sometimes people Tweet things at me that are so dumb, all I can think is, "Maybe Skynet had a point."— Brianna Wu (@Spacekatgal) January 21, 2015
4. Chinese Construction Company Builds Skyscraper In Less Time Than It Takes To Fill In A Pot Hole In NYC
A Hunan Province-based Chinese construction company successfully completed a 57-story building—with office space for 4,000 workers and 800 apartments for tenants—in just 19 days, using a modular process akin to erecting a structure with Lego blocks. "With the traditional method, they have to build a skyscraper brick by brick, but with our method, we just need to assemble the blocks," a spokesperson for Broad Sustainable Building Co. explained. Very cool, but you don't want to know how bad it hurts if you accidentally step on one of its 2,700 modules in the middle of the night.
Fun Fact: 1930's Skyscraper construction steel workers spent up to 6 hours a day posing for photographs.— J. Elvis Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) April 5, 2015
5. McDonald's Is Simplifying Its Menu In Controversial Move That Could Anger Its Intellectual Customer Base
McDonald's is discontinuing nine sandwiches—including the Quarter Pounder Deluxe and six variants of chicken sandwiches—in order to condense its excessively large number of menu items amidst flagging sales. "There will be further moves on menu simplification coming up now, because we have a number of tests in place," chain CEO Steve Easterbrook said during a conference call last week. I really hope they don't dumb down the menu too much. It would be a shame if they lost the entire backstory to family of snack wraps.
When they say, "feed a cold," they mean McDonald's, right?— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) April 29, 2015