1. Americans Just Waiting For Go Ahead To Begin National Freak Out Over Ebola Epidemic In Earnest

The second American citizen who has contracted the ebola virus arrived at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta earlier today. Though the 59-year-old infected missionary nurse contracted the deadly disease while working in Africa, now that she has taken it stateside, Americans are waiting in panicked anticipation for the chance to run through the streets screaming in terror.