5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 5, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 5, 2014
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 5, 2014

1. Americans Just Waiting For Go Ahead To Begin National Freak Out Over Ebola Epidemic In Earnest

The second American citizen who has contracted the ebola virus arrived at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta earlier today. Though the 59-year-old infected missionary nurse contracted the deadly disease while working in Africa, now that she has taken it stateside, Americans are waiting in panicked anticipation for the chance to run through the streets screaming in terror.


2. Conan O'Brien To Perform The Greatest Song Ever Written About A Monorail For Simpsons Live Show

Late night host Conan O'Brien has agreed to perform "The Monorail Song" at a series for a live Simpsons revue at the Hollywood Bowl next month. The song comes from the episode "Marge vs. the Monorail," which he penned as a staff writer for the show two decades ago, when only a roomful of people understood how weird his sense of humor was.

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3. Science Has Figured Out How To Turn A House Plant Into A Microphone, So There Goes Everything

U.S. citizens' last chance at anything even remotely resembling privacy is on its way out the window now that scientists have figured out how to eavesdrop on people by extracting sound from the minute movements of everyday objects such as house plants and bags of potato chips. The walls now have ears, literally.

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4. Congressional Candidate Disproves Global Warming With Thermometer And A Complete Misunderstanding Of How To Use It

Louisiana congressional candidate Lenar Whitney, who proudly refers to herself the "Palin of the South," claims to have disproved global warming through the use of a "simple scientific device" called a thermometer, as well as an oft-refuted argument. Not for nothing, an analyst for the non-partisan Cook Political Report said that he has never "met any candidate quite as frightening or fact-averse as Louisiana state Rep. Lenar Whitney... It’s tough to decide which party’s worst nightmare she would be. "

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5. Baby Annoyingly Covering All The Good Parts In Olivia Wilde's Boob In Empowering Breast-Feeding Photo

Actress Olivia Wilde posed for Glamour magazine while breastfeeding her son Otis Sudeikis. The resulting touching photograph is being hailed as a triumph for mothers everywhere who breastfeed in full make-up and high fashion gowns. 

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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