5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 8, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - August 8, 2014
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1. Obama Promises Not To Drag U.S. Into Another War While Dragging U.S. Into Another War

Liberals and conservatives alike are struggling to figure out how they're supposed to feel about President Obama's announcement yesterday that he is authorizing targeted airstrikes against Islamic militants in Iraq. On the one hand, ISIS is undeniably awful. On the other, Obama is incapable of doing anything right/wrong (depending on your ideology). Hopefully, this will work itself out soon, and we'll be able to get back to despising/adoring him like normal soon enough.


2. Former SNL Cast Member Victoria Jackson Too (Or Not Sufficiently) Unhinged For Republican Primary Voters

Victoria Jackson—the ukulele-playing former Saturday Night Live cast member and far-right conservative activist—has failed in her primary bid for the county commissioner seat in Williamson County, TN. It's still unclear whether this is due to the Tea Party favorite's woeful inadequacy or woeful over-adequacy for such a position.

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3. World Health Organization Gives Green Light To Begin Panicking About Ebola In Earnest

Much to the delight of hypochondriacs and chronic worriers everywhere, the World Health Organization has announced that the Ebola pandemic that has been radiating out from West Africa can now be considered an "international emergency" that requires an "extraordinary response." So, feel free to start boarding up your windows and polishing your shotguns.


4. 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' Shows 'Guardians Of The Galaxy' How To Do Anthropomorphic Animal Movies Wrong

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The Michael Bay-produced reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise is opening to generally poor reviews—holding a 21 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes right now—and what's expected to be moderate box office receipts. All this despite having four times as many wise-cracking, anthropomorphic animals and one-fifth as much character development as Guardians of the Galaxy. 


5. Mr. Peanut Knocked From His Throne As The King Of All Nuts

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Move over, peanuts! There's a new favorite kind of nut in America. Or something. Apparently, health-conscious consumers are now gravitating toward almonds as their nut of choice, with sales of the high-protein food jumping 220 percent in the past decade. 


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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