5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 12, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 12, 2013
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 12, 2013


1. Super Depressing Movie About Slavery Looks To Be Feel Good Hit Of Golden Globes

Steve McQueen's 12 Years a Slave is dominating this year's Golden Globe nominations, along with David O. Russel's American Hustle, with seven nominations each. The two true-life tales of brutal soul-crushing slavery in the antebellum south and terrible fashion decisions in late 1970s and early 1980s show that audiences are excited to feel uncomfortable and depressed this year.


2. Australia Rolls Back Gay Marriage Legality, Because In The Southern Hemisphere Civil Rights Go Backwards

Gay Australians watched their marrige rights spiral down the toilet—in the opposite direction than gay Californians watched theirs spiral 5 years ago—after the country's highest court struck down a law legalizing marriage equality. The national director of Australian Marriage Equality called the decision a "temporary defeat."

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3. Rich Kids Trash And Loot Mansion, Making Off With $250K Leopard Which Unfortunately Wasn't Alive Enough To Maul Them

A bunch of rich kids broke into an abandoned but fully furnished mansion in a wealthy L.A. suburb and threw a party before looting the house and leaving $1 million is damages and stolen property. Among the objects stolen was a mounted leopard worth $250K.

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4. Seattle Tunnel Construction Blocked By 'Mysterious Object' That Is Definitely Not An Alien Autopsy Factory

Construction on a highway tunnel beneath the city of Seattle was stopped recently by the discovery of a "mysterious object" that is totally not any kind of alien autopsy factory. The idea of an alien autopsy factory itself doesn't even make sense. Like, what would that even be? A factory where aliens are created to be autopsied? Or a place where lots of alien autopsies happen? And where are all these aliens even coming from? It's ridiculous! Anyway, definitely not an alien autopsy factory.

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5. Fake Sign Language Interpreter Says He Was Having A Schizophrenic Episode, Making The Story Less Funny And More Sad

It looks as though that fake sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral may not have actually had balls the size of South Africa but a mental disorder which caused him to hallucinate under the pressure of signing in front of the entire world. Thamsanqua Jantjie explained, "What happened that day, I see angels come to the stadium… I start realizing that the problem is here." Which is never a good way to begin a big job.

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