5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 15, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 15, 2013
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1. Megyn Kelly Is Fed Up With All These Race Baiters Calling Her Out For Race Baiting

Fox News host Megyn Kelly took time out of her show on Friday night to address all of the people who have been giving her a hard time for that very funny humor joke she made earlier in the week, when she devoted an entire segment to defending the whiteness of Santa Claus (and by extention, for some reason, Jesus), calling the response a "knee-jerk instinct by so many to race-bait and to assume the worst of people, especially the people employed by the very powerful Fox News Channel." No mention was made of how funny it has been to hear Jesus and Santa spoken of in the same breath all week long. 


2. Winter Weather In Middle East Forces Egyptians To Dig Out Their Snow Sandals

For the first time in recent memory, frozen precipitation fell from the sky in Egypt, covering the grounds around Cairo in a surreal-looking blanket of snow. By all accounts, it was a welcome reprieve from the storms of frogs and Biblical wrath to which the locals are presumably more accustomed.

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3. Pope Francis Causes Stir By Suggesting Some Marxists Might Not Be Twisted Depraved Shit Monsters

Pope Francis has responded to allegations that he is a Marxist who does not sufficiently despise poor people, telling Italian newspaper La Stampa that “Marxist ideology is wrong. But I have met many Marxists in my life who are good people, so I don’t feel offended," leading many to believe that he is a Leninist. 

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4. College Football's Top Honor Bestowed Upon Its Top Accused Rapist

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was awarded the Heisman winner for 2013 and did not sexually assault a single person in the course of accepting the award yesterday. Overall, it was a rather noteworthy day for the very talented up-and-comer.

 

 

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5. Flare Magazine Photo Editors Use Photoshop To Make Noted Hideous Person Jennifer Lawrence Slightly Less Ugly

When Flare magazine opted to feature Jennifer Lawrence—the Hunger Games: Catching Fire star who is probably best known for her disgusting appearance that makes both men and women violently ill when looking at her—they really had their work cut out for them. However, what we can only assume were teams of photo editors working round the clock in a room littered with spent vomit bags somehow managed to manipulate her repugnant body and repulsive face well enough so that readers can now purchase a copy of the periodical without disgorging the contents of their stomachs all over the floor of their local drug store. Their work really speaks for itself.

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