5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 18, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 18, 2014
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1. U.S. Officials Confirm That North Koreans Know How To Use Computers

Officials from the U.S. government have confirmed that North Korea is in fact "centrally involved" in the hacking of Sony Pictures Entertainment's servers. The craziest aspect of this ordeal is the hackers somehow managed to pull this off with their country's one room-sized, diesel-fueled computer.



2. Cuban Cigars Are About To Start Tasting A Lot Shittier Now That They're Not Illegal

Now that the U.S. embargo against Cuba is coming to an end, and American travelers are allowed to carry $100 worth of the tropical nation's famous cigars home with them, smoking aficionados are about to make a somewhat shocking discovery: Cuban cigars kind of taste like ass. It remains to be seen whether they taste sufficiently more like ass than other high-end cigars for anyone to care.

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3. Donald Trump 'Seriously' Considering 2016 Presidential Run, To Joy Of Comedy Fans Everywhere

Millionaire blowhard and reality TV star Donald Trump has once again decalred that he is "seriously considering" a run for the presidency in 2016. "A lot of people think I have fun with [talking about running for president] and I enjoy the process, but the country is in very serious trouble so I am considering it seriously," Trump said on Monday. Is he even allowed to talk about a presidential run and use the word "serious" at the same time? Doesn't that break some kind of campaign regulation?

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4. Four-Legged Clump Of Ratty Hair To Be Acknowledged By American Kennel Club

The American Kennel Club has announced that the Bergamasco Shepherd—a somewhat dog-shaped pile of gross-looking hair with a protruding tongue—is included in a list of four new dog breeds that it will henceforth officially recognize.

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5. Gay Divorce Finally Comes To Florida

A Florida circuit judge yesterday invalidated Florida's ban on gay marriage in order to grant a divorce to a lesbian couple. "For the first time in a divorce case, a judge has ruled that the state laws banning same-sex marriage and the recognition of those marriages is void and unenforceable because they violate Floridians' rights to equal protection under the law and the right to due process," an attorney for one of the women stated after the decision. It also confirms my belief that divorces are actually joyous occasions.

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