5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 2, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 2, 2014
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1. Maryland Courts Just Guaranteed An Exciting New Legal-Jargon-Filled Episode Of 'Serial'

Adnan Syed—whose conviction for the murder of 18-year-old Baltimore woman Hae Min Lee in 2000 rests at the heart of the incredibly popular Serial podcast—will be receiving an appeal hearing in January, on the grounds that his annoying-voiced attorney Cristina Gutierrez may have failed to provide him with adequate legal council and also because, come on, man, Jay's story has, like, crazy holes in it.



2. 50,000 Lucky Police Officers Will Soon Get To Have Their Every Movement Recorded For Posterity

President Obama has announced that he intends to use more than $250 million of federal funds to buy 50,000 body cameras to record police officers interactions throughout their patrols, except for when the cameras get glitchy and cut-out at weird moments, which, crazily enough, will just happen to be when when a bunch of really intense shit goes down. Isn't that weird? Or going to be weird, I mean.

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3. Galactic Engineer Stephen Colbert Explains The Workings Of A Three-Bladed Lightsaber

I don't know if you've been on the Internet much, but it seems to be populated with an awful lot of joyless reprobates who cannot even bring themselves to enjoy the pure joy that comes from seeing a brand new kind of lightsaber appear in an amazing trailer for a movie we've been waiting to see since we were innocent children. Stephen Colbert has some words, as well as some space science, for them:

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4. 'Hanging Tree' Song Gives Internet A Brand New Way To Adore Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence's performance of the song 'Hanging Tree' from the film The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 seems set to enter the Billboard Top 40 this week. The soulful a cappella song will likely serve as the perfect musical introduction to her appearances after Hillary Clinton announces Lawrence as her running mate in two years.

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5. CDC Extolls Health Benefits Of Mutilating Your Son's Genitals

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has just released federal guidelines for circumcising male infants, pointing out that the controversial procedure has more benefits than risks. "The benefits of male circumcision have become more and more clear over the last ten years," one researcher said. Now we can all stop arguing about this and start focusing all of our attention on the dangers of vaccinations and chemtrails.

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(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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