1. Maryland Courts Just Guaranteed An Exciting New Legal-Jargon-Filled Episode Of 'Serial'
Adnan Syed—whose conviction for the murder of 18-year-old Baltimore woman Hae Min Lee in 2000 rests at the heart of the incredibly popular Serial podcast—will be receiving an appeal hearing in January, on the grounds that his annoying-voiced attorney Cristina Gutierrez may have failed to provide him with adequate legal council and also because, come on, man, Jay's story has, like, crazy holes in it.
I dunno maybe an ongoing investigation into a real murder case about real people shouldn't have the tone of a wine tasting? #serial— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) December 1, 2014
2. 50,000 Lucky Police Officers Will Soon Get To Have Their Every Movement Recorded For Posterity
President Obama has announced that he intends to use more than $250 million of federal funds to buy 50,000 body cameras to record police officers interactions throughout their patrols, except for when the cameras get glitchy and cut-out at weird moments, which, crazily enough, will just happen to be when when a bunch of really intense shit goes down. Isn't that weird? Or going to be weird, I mean.
I wish police DID wear body cameras. Pop culture DESPERATELY needs a tired, new candid camera format.— Hayden Black (@haydenblack) November 25, 2014
3. Galactic Engineer Stephen Colbert Explains The Workings Of A Three-Bladed Lightsaber
I don't know if you've been on the Internet much, but it seems to be populated with an awful lot of joyless reprobates who cannot even bring themselves to enjoy the pure joy that comes from seeing a brand new kind of lightsaber appear in an amazing trailer for a movie we've been waiting to see since we were innocent children. Stephen Colbert has some words, as well as some space science, for them:
A lightsaber is an ancient, beautiful weapon capable of destroying millions of hopes that a movie will be good.— River Clegg (@RiverClegg) December 1, 2014
4. 'Hanging Tree' Song Gives Internet A Brand New Way To Adore Jennifer Lawrence
Jennifer Lawrence's performance of the song 'Hanging Tree' from the film The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1 seems set to enter the Billboard Top 40 this week. The soulful a cappella song will likely serve as the perfect musical introduction to her appearances after Hillary Clinton announces Lawrence as her running mate in two years.
GUY 1: Who's in this movie? GUY 2: Jennifer Lawrence. GUY 1: I saw her naked. GUY 2: Where? GUY 1: The Internet. #moviedouches— Bez (@Bez) December 1, 2014
5. CDC Extolls Health Benefits Of Mutilating Your Son's Genitals
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has just released federal guidelines for circumcising male infants, pointing out that the controversial procedure has more benefits than risks. "The benefits of male circumcision have become more and more clear over the last ten years," one researcher said. Now we can all stop arguing about this and start focusing all of our attention on the dangers of vaccinations and chemtrails.
I don't think I would circumcise a child. I think that's something the parents should decide.— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) November 21, 2013
(by Dennis DiClaudio)