5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 3, 2013

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 3, 2013
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1. People Waited For Hours And Stepped On Each Others' Heads At Walmart To Buy Themselves Some F**king Cheap Towels

Apparently, the biggest-selling item — and the reason why an unimaginable number of Americans cut short Thanksgiving with their families and spent untold hours waiting in the freezing cold outside Walmart locations all across the country — was some cheap towels, which were on sale for $1.74 or 29¢ per wash cloth, meaning that— Wait, what? Really? That's nothing! We need some towels and wash cloths! Is this still going on? Out of our way or we'll run you over with the Happy Place Escalade!


2. Icelandic Police Ruin Their Perfect Record Of Never Having To Gun Someone Down

The police in Iceland were compelled to use deadly force against a suspect who was firing at them with a shotgun the other night. This marks the first recorded incident of a police killing in the country's history. Meanwhile, a Chicago police officer has been acquitted for shooting a man 16 times because he mistook the man's cell phone for a gun.

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3. This Darth Vader Selfie On Star Wars's New Instagram Account Makes A Lot More Sense When You Remember He's Really An Emo Anakin Skywalker

The first image from the new Instagram account which Disney has created for the upcoming Star Wars: Episode XII film is, of course, that whiny punk Anakin Skywalker showing off his new gothy black uniform. At least it wasn't a picture of a bowl of cho nor hoola.

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4. Much To The Dismay Of Christian Fundamentalists, Merriam-Webster's Word Of The Year Is "Science"

Merriam-Webster proved itself to be in the pocket of Big Liberalism when it chose "science" as its Word of the Year. There has apparently been a 176% increase in people looking up the blasphemous word, which really just proves what we've been saying all along: We should never have given up on the geocentric model of the solar system.

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5. Rush Limbaugh Takes Down That Godless Communist Pope

Right wing talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh has been really giving it to that dirty Communist hippie Pope Francis over there in his socialist billion-dollar palace of godlessness. Limbaugh has said that the Pope's recent disgusting anti-Capitalist sentiments are "sad" and "unbelievable," adding that "This is just pure Marxism coming out of the mouth of the Pope." 

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