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1. People Waited For Hours And Stepped On Each Others' Heads At Walmart To Buy Themselves Some F**king Cheap Towels

Apparently, the biggest-selling item — and the reason why an unimaginable number of Americans cut short Thanksgiving with their families and spent untold hours waiting in the freezing cold outside Walmart locations all across the country — was some cheap towels, which were on sale for $1.74 or 29¢ per wash cloth, meaning that— Wait, what? Really? That's nothing! We need some towels and wash cloths! Is this still going on? Out of our way or we'll run you over with the Happy Place Escalade!