5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2014

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2014
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 11, 2014

1. The World Is A Little Less Magic Since 'Dumb Starbucks' Turned out To Be A Comedy Central Prank

The world currently has upwards of 5 million hoaxes created in support of corporate products happening at any given time. But we only had one Dumb Starbucks. Did you have to take this away from us Comedy Central's Nathan Fielder?


2. State That Allows 5-Minute Drive-Thru Discount Weddings Officiated By Elvis Impersonators Has Decided Not To Defend Its Ban On Same-Sex Marriage

The state of Nevada has decided that its constitutional ban on same-sex marriage is "no longer defensible," given recent court decisions in other states on the matter. The state is now free to devote all its efforts into figuring out ways to make it easier for drunk tourists who just met each other seven minutes earlier in an elevator to sanctify their relationship before a meth head singing "Jailhouse Rock."

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3. America's Favorite 85-Year-Old Adorable Tap-Dancing Toddler Dies In Her Home

Iconic child movie star Shirley Temple Black died in her California home last night at the age of 85. The country grieves her loss while bracing for the unfortunate though inevitable return of "On the Good Ship Lollipop" into the public consciousness.

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4. Twenty-One Students Won't Be Graduating From Terrorism School After Unfortunate Car Bomb Lesson

The terror world mourns the loss of 21 Iraqi and Syrian terrorism students who were killed when a car bomb that was being used during a lesson on murdering innocent people accidentally exploded.

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5. Will Ferrell To Battle His Doppelganger Chad Smith Of The Red Hot Chili Peppers In "The Greatest Drum Vs. Cowbell Showdown The World Has Ever Seen"

Comedian Will Ferrell and Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith, who look unnervingly like one another, have agreed to face off in a 'drum vs. cow bell showdown' in an effort to raise $300,000 for cancer research.

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